Learning to Breathe
by Midnight Seductress
Summary: 15 years after Edward left her, Bella is still searching for the Cullens. Can a run in with Jasper help her find them or will it be the beginning of a whole new journey.
1. Chapter One

**An: This story begins fifteen years after Edward left in new moon, there was no cliff diving, so the Cullen's never came back. **

**The story will eventually be Jasper/Bella, but there won't be any romance for quite some time. The fic isn't going to be fluffy and light. The M is for language, violence, dark themes and possible future lemons. Consider yourselves warned ; )**

**Thanks to xteamxjasperx for all her brilliant help with this story. It wouldn't have been written without you!**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, any of its characters and settings, and make no money from this. Sadly…_

Chapter One

"Well done Bella. Great plan. Brilliant. You can't go outside in the sunlight, and you have no money to get a room to hide in. And now you've got yourself stuck spending the day in a barn because you're too _stupid_ to have seen this coming. Head south. Fantastic."

"Now I'm talking to myself. It doesn't get much better than this." What made me think, even for a second that the Cullen's might have come to Texas? Why would _any_ Vampires live in a place that would leave them trapped inside all day?

Maybe I'd been looking for them for too long. I was getting desperate. Who was I kidding, I'd been desperate for most of the last fifteen years. I'd seen a paper on the street last night, on my way to this little shack, and I knew it would be exactly fifteen years to the day tomorrow, since Edward left me.

I'd missed my birthday again, I should be thirty three, I thought. I wondered how my life would be if things had been different. I might have a job, a home, a family. Would I be married? Have children? If I'd managed to keep Victoria talking for longer that day, would I be with Jacob now with lots of little werewolf babies?

I wasn't sure why I always tortured myself with these thoughts. Sometimes I went further back. What if I'd been good enough for Edward? Would I be with the Cullen's, safe and loved? Or would he have gotten tired of me eventually, and left me alone anyway?

Every day I thought of what I'd lost, and every day it hurt just as much as it had in the beginning. I couldn't allow myself to stop thinking about them though, or the memories might drift away, and I might forget what I was looking for. My family.

I didn't know if they would want me, they hadn't wanted me then, but I was different now. I was like them. Not someone to protect, to be careful with, but an equal. I had to try, I wouldn't last much longer on my own. Even Jacob and Garrett hadn't been able to fully dull the ache _their_ absence had left.

I pushed the hay around to make a sort of bed and laid back in it. I tried to sleep for a few hours every day if I could. Not real sleep of course, that was something I'd never do again, but it helped to pretend. I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing, curled around myself and let my thoughts drift.

Sometimes I tried not to think at all, but that always led me back to the what-ifs, so usually, I pretended to dream. They were better than my human dreams in some ways; I had control over what happened for one thing. They were never nightmares, nothing bad ever happened in the few hours I 'slept'. My imagination was as clear and detailed as reality and sometimes in the midst of one of my fantasies I'd believe it was real.

My most recurring 'dream' was of finding my family. In the dream they were always pleased to see me. Esme and Carlisle would embrace me like a long lost daughter, Emmett would almost crush me with his hugs, and Alice would laugh at my tattered clothes and tell me we needed a shopping trip. Even Jasper would look happy I'd found them again.

And Edward would take me in his arms and tell me he was sorry, that it had all been a mistake and that he'd loved me all along. If I carried on the dream long enough, Rosalie would accept me and become as much my sister as Alice. I would get to know Jasper now that I didn't have any blood to bother him. Edward and I would get married, quietly away from the others, and we'd spend a whole month getting to know each other again. He'd hold me and touch me in ways he couldn't allow himself to before.

Sometimes I'd find them in Alaska, sometimes in Canada, once I found them in Russia and a few times they found me. I liked those ones the best. Sometimes when I was feeling worse than usual I'd tell myself they were looking for me. I knew this wasn't true, but it helped.

What should I dream today? Nothing came to mind. I hadn't felt this bad since the day I'd left Garrett. Why had I even come here? I was wasting time in a place I'd find no answers. I cursed the sun that shone through the cracks in the roof and wriggled irritably in my makeshift bed.

At dusk I'd hunt and then I'd leave. But hunt what? Every time I'd moved on to a new state alone, I'd found out where the best places to hunt would be, and what I could expect to find there. How could I possibly have forgotten to do that? I'd just have to wander until I found something. I'd been on my own again for two years now, and I knew how to take care of myself. I shouldn't have done this.

Stupid Bella. Can't do anything right as usual. You've fucked-up once again. You shouldn't have followed the impulse to come down here. You should've gone to Europe. But you didn't.

As the hours passed, I counted particles of dust, and pieces of hay to keep my mind occupied. Infinitely slowly, the barn grew darker as the sun sank into the horizon. I wished I could go outside and see it, but I didn't like to take risks. It was better to wait until it was safe.

I decided to head south once I was out in the open. I couldn't be bothered to make any real plans. That was the problem with a nomadic life. There was never anywhere to go back to.

The loneliness of it all but crushed me completely. I'd thought, in a vague way of turning a human, at least then I'd have _someone_ if not _somewhere_. More than anything I just wanted to belong. I might have done it if I'd ever found a human that interested me enough, but my fleeting encounters with them only ever left me nostalgic for my own humanity, and I knew I'd never be able to force this life on someone else.

Maybe Texas wouldn't be so bad. I could stay for a little while, I had forever after all. I had to fill my time somehow. Why not spend a few weeks exploring? I could even go down to Mexico. There was always a chance that I'd meet someone who knew where the Cullen's were.

I'd been running south for a few hours, keeping to back roads so I wouldn't be seen, when I came across the scent I longed for most. Vampires. Lots of them. There were trails everywhere, suggesting they lived here, rather than just nomads passing through. I could smell at least ten different Vampires, mostly males. A lot of the trails were fairly old, but there was a stronger set running further south into a town. I picked up a female and three males, and they'd been here within the last hour.

Nerves and hope swirled within me as I followed the trail. Even if they didn't know the Cullen's, I might be able to stay with them for a few weeks. How long had it been since I'd spoken to someone besides myself? Months.

When I was sure I was getting close I took a glance at my reflection in a darkened shop window. It wasn't good. My hair wasn't too bad, but my clothes were dusty, and coming apart at the seams in places. I'd need to find more soon. I was tempted to try to find the vampires tomorrow after I'd had chance to clean up, but the thought that I might lose them terrified me.

Again I cursed myself for my lack of planning on this trip, I usually took a bag with clothes that would help me fit in when I moved to a new area, but something had compelled me to head south, and I'd followed my instincts without a thought for the consequences.

Further into town I had to slow down. There were people here, going in and out of diners and bars. Every loved up couple, or group of friends I saw sent a pang through me that physically hurt. I swallowed my jealousy and followed the scent into a bar. It was easy to spot the Vampires inside, everyone else looked so dull in comparison.

The first was a girl who must have been even younger than me when she was changed. She was tiny, clearly Mexican, and had a strange, youthful beauty. Her straight dark hair was cut into a perfect bob that bounced against her shouldered as she hopped lithely onto a stool.

On either side of her stood a male. The first was about six feet tall with reddish hair and a slim build, the second was taller and broader, but looked older, maybe in his forties when he'd been changed. His salt and pepper hair made me smile. I'd never seen one of our kind with grey hair before.

All of their eyes were red, but that didn't bother me. They were normal. My eyes scanned the room for the third man. I knew he'd come in here but I couldn't find him. Once again I wished for nicer clothes and the chance to fix my hair before I introduced myself, but my desire for some company propelled me forward.

As I knew they would be, the females eyes were on me before I'd completed my first step in her direction. Though she was small, I got the feeling that she was in charge here, the other two were posted like guards at her sides.

She scanned me speculatively then the corners of her lips quirked up in a smile. I watched her speak to the taller man, who left quickly through a back door. Her head tipped to one side as she waited for me to reach her.

"Hello." I said quietly. "I'm Bella."

"Maria." She drawled, nodding her head towards the stool beside her. "What brings you to Texas?"

Her question surprised me. All of my infrequent meetings with my kind had begun with the same question- 'why are your eyes gold?' she must already know. Excitement fluttered in my chest. She must have met vegetarians before, and I only knew two sets of vegetarians. The Cullen's and the Denali's. And the Denali's never left Alaska.

"I'm looking for friends of mine." I said eagerly. "Perhaps you know them. The Cullen's?"

I could tell immediately that she at least recognised the name, but her words squashed my hope. "I've never had the pleasure of making their acquaintance, but I have heard of them. They were living up north somewhere last I heard."

I was used to this answer, but it still hurt every time I received it. "Never mind." I said, barely concealing my pain.

"You'll stay a while? We'll be going home soon, it would be nice to have another girl around for a change." There was something about her tone that I didn't like, it was as if she knew I would be coming with her. As if she wasn't actually giving me a choice. I wasn't so sure I wanted to go with her anymore.

"Are you here hunting?" I asked conversationally. If they were, I could use it as an excuse to leave.

"Not hunting exactly." She purred. "Recruiting would be a better word."

"Recruiting?" I didn't understand.

"Yes, recruiting. The newborns got into a fight yesterday and we lost four of them. They need to be replaced." Her gaze was as curious as mine must have been, what she said didn't make much sense.

So, she had several newborn vampires for reasons unknown. Four of them had died, and this annoyed, rather than saddened her, and she was talking about replacing them like they were old shoes. I liked her less every minute. "Why would you want newborns?" I was baffled. I was also confused by the fact that they'd _died_. I could understand that they may have pulled each other apart, but why hadn't they just been put back together?

She laughed delightedly. "How old are you? I bet you're not much more than a newborn yourself are you? This is _Texas_, Bella."

I was well aware of which state I was in, but that didn't explain why she'd want a bunch of reckless, uncontrollable vampires. Besides, I was no newborn. "I was changed fourteen years ago." I snapped.

"As I thought." She giggled. "A baby really, and all alone too. Whitlock would love you, you're just his type. Come along, we'll go home now and I'll explain everything." She hopped off her stool and held out her hand.

I backed away from her. I didn't want to meet this Whitlock, and I didn't want to go anywhere with her. I had been curious, but I'd lost all desire to find out why she spoke of taking lives with such a lack of feeling.

"I'd really better be going." I said as politely as I could manage, moving towards the door. "It was nice to meet you."

I was not a fighter, but I was fast, if I could get away from the busier streets she wouldn't catch me. I'd long ago learnt to escape. I didn't wait for her answer, walking quickly through the door, and out into the quiet street. I ran at human pace into the nearest alley, glanced around for a split second to make sure I was alone and took off.

I'd run only about a hundred feet when someone smashed into me and pinned me to the ground. I tried to buck them off, but they were much stronger than me, so I tried wiggling out from under them instead. Someone else crashed into us, and before I knew what was happening I was flying through the air, being carried by two of the men that had been with Maria.

I tried not to panic as I thrashed wildly against their immovable hands for a few seconds. Where were they taking me? What was the point? I wasn't a meal. The air changed as we entered a building, and the men slowed down enough for me to see that we were heading down stone steps. Listening carefully for something that might tell me what was happening, I heard Maria somewhere ahead of us.

"Take her to the Major's room and subdue her." She ordered. I had been right, she was in charge, but maybe this Major was the real head of the coven. I stopped trying to get free, I didn't want to be subdued, and I didn't want to find out how they expected to do it.

The room they took me to was dark and fairly large. I could see the silhouette of a bed and what might have been a desk and chair, but nothing else. The men shoved me into a wall and clipped restraints around my wrists and ankles. It would only take me seconds to get out of them once they left, so I was no longer worried. Finally, they tied something over my eyes and left the room.

I waited a few seconds, listening to their retreating footsteps before I broke free. Or tried to. No matter how hard I tugged on the cuffs, they wouldn't break, and I couldn't pull them off the wall either. I could move my feet a little more than my hands, but the extra leverage didn't make it any easier to escape. I started to panic again. I should have been able to release myself easily.

I could hear and see nothing at all, so I focused on smell. Many different vampires, human blood, venom, smoke and sex. Those scents were most prevalent, and I ignored them, trying to find the subtler fragrances in this room.

A single male vampire's scent was strong in here, it reminded me of home. Like standing in the forest in the rain. Leather, paper and dust hit me next, and I figured there were old books in the room, the scent of them made me feel a little better. There had been flowers too, at some point but they were long dead.

I was totally alone. No one was looking for me, no one would even know I was missing. What the hell was I going to do?

* * *

I lounged against the wall watching my troops fight amongst themselves, currently, there were six males and three females. Using my gift I played with the emotions of those closest to me, amusing myself as they fell in love, tried to kill each other, kissed, became jealous and inevitably tore into each other again.

I was bored. Nothing unusual about that. With a bit of luck Maria had plans for me. Or at the very least some new ones to train. I remembered when she would only pick the best, and I'd have them ready in months. Now she took whatever she could get, and I didn't care enough to try harder with them.

The latest bunch were perhaps my most useless to date, she'd taken the only mildly competent ones with her. How long until she came back?

I hated her, but I would always respect her. She took me back after all. My eyes found Lucian across the room, another of her favourites. She didn't like him as much as she liked me, he wasn't as useful in their training, but he made up for it in battle.

He was the single most vile, vicious creature I'd come across. He took enormous pleasure in disposing of the newborns that had outlived their usefulness, and often took a new vampire to his room to play with if he was bored. He had a special fondness for females. Maria found these qualities amusing, and even endearing, but it made me sick.

I might be a monster, but I wasn't like him. I didn't play with my food, and when we fought I was methodical, I enjoyed the rush to an extent, but feeling the fear of someone you're about to kill makes the experience much less enjoyable.

Turning my attention back to my wards I noticed that several of them were now missing limbs. I calmed them down to the point where they would have fallen asleep if they'd been human. "Put yourselves back together before I burn the pieces!" I bellowed. It was not an idle threat and they all knew it.

I chuckled humourlessly as they scrambled about and fought over arms and fingers. Any vampire worth his salt could tell his own fingers from another's blindfolded, but not these. Many of the vampires under my _care _could probably have been declared clinically insane as humans, and in some cases the three days of burning had made them worse.

Maria had chosen them from the dregs of society so that they wouldn't be missed, and Lucian had tormented those of them that had been close to normal to the brink of insanity. They'd never make good soldiers and Maria knew it, but for some reason she still insisted I teach them all to fight. They'd probably die never having seen a battle like most of the last lot had.

Their life or _un-life_ was meaningless. And so was mine.

"The mistress wishes to see you, Major." The man beside me had his head bowed respectfully but the excitement was pouring off him. Their little trip had clearly been a success. I began to wish I'd gone with them, it was a while since I'd gone out, even to find a meal.

I made my way to Maria's quarters wondering if she'd have anything of any interest to tell me, or if it was just my company she sought. Most of those that lived with us assumed we were mates, but the bond between us was entirely different. She loved me, in her own way, but we both took other lovers more often than each other. Maria had once been a reward, now she was convenient at best and a nuisance at worst.

I found myself hoping she would want me tonight, that would stave off the boredom for a few hours at least.

I didn't knock as I entered the room, I was no longer her subordinate, but her equal. She held the reigns, but I was free to come and go as I pleased. And it was easier to stay and do what she wanted than to have to figure things out for myself. Making decisions led to thinking about the past, and the past brought only pain.

"Maria." I said by way of a greeting. She was sprawled across a couch with her favourite of the newborns sitting at her feet. He was sucking greedily on the already cooling body of a teenage boy. So she was already being taken care of, it wasn't my company she craved.

Her lips curled up in a slow smile as she looked me over. "Whitlock." Always Whitlock. She had never called me by my first name, not even all those years ago when I was hers to do with as she pleased. I knew I had spoken my name to her only once, when I had still been human. Not that it mattered what she called me.

"I have a present for you." She grinned licking her lips. "She's waiting in your room. I really think you'll like this one. Be sure to mark her if you want to keep her. If not let Lucian have her, he's been pestering me for a pet for months."

I felt a jolt of anticipation. She'd brought me a woman. She hadn't done that for months, after she'd gotten jealous of the last one. "Thank you." I said quickly and left the room, her laughter following me down the corridor.

I knew Maria was trying to keep me happy, she was worried I'd leave her again. Silly really, as there was nowhere else for me to go. That old saying wasn't true at all 'Home's the place you go to, where they have to take you in.' I had a home once, but I wouldn't be welcomed back. In fact, I'd probably be chased away.

I would not think of that now, not when I had much more pleasurable things awaiting me. Picking up my pace I strode towards my rooms imagining what I would find there. I hoped she was young, but not too young, or the seduction would be too easy. I liked it best when I had to make an effort.

They always gave in eventually, they always begged for me. It was the only time I ever felt needed. I felt the fear and confusion long before I reached my room, but there was also anger and some curiosity. This one would be interesting.

I opened the door quietly and chuckled as the girls fear heightened and her head snapped towards me. In the darkness of the room I couldn't really see her, but I could tell she had a pleasing shape and long wavy hair.

Ignoring her struggles I rounded the room lighting candles until I could see her fully. She looked about twenty from what I could see of her, small and slim with hair that might have been beautiful if it wasn't so mussed. The thin cotton dress was ragged and torn in places, and her shoes were worn almost through. "A nomad." I said aloud and she stiffened, pressing back against the wall.

"Who are you?" She asked, her voice was remarkably steady considering how afraid she was.

"I don't think you're in any position to be asking questions." I laughed stepping closer to inhale her scent. Dust and mud and hay, but somewhere underneath it was something floral and light. "Tell me your name." I whispered against her neck, using my gift to make her more pliable.

"Bella." She whispered.

Without planning to, my arm struck out, the back of my hand cracking hard across her face. Her head snapped back into the wall as she let out a pained gasp. "Never say that name." I growled, already reaching out to stroke her cheek, but she flinched away from me.

_Well done, make her afraid of you, that's a great place to start._ Knowing I'd already lost all hope of her trusting me, I ignored my usual plans. I tore off her dress and stood back to look at her as she stood before me in her underwear. She became even more frightened, but battling against it were shame, and quickly mounting anger. "A feisty one." I whispered to myself.

I was amazed by her skin and stepped closer to her not quite believing what I was seeing. Running a hand from her wrist to her shoulder, and down to her waist I felt nothing but smooth uninterrupted skin. "No scars." I hadn't seen a vampire without scars in fifteen years.

The girl was still cringing away from my touch, but she had stopped trying to escape. "Don't touch me." She snapped.

"As you wish." I smiled, she'd soon change her tune. I sat at my desk and watched her for a while, she got more uncomfortable with every passing second. "You need a name." I said thoughtfully.

"I told you, my name's Be-" I had my hand firmly over her mouth before she could finish.

"And I told you not to say that name! I'd hate to have to hurt you." I let the threat hang in the air, not letting her go, pressing her firmly against the wall. "Do you think you can behave?"

She nodded once, and I removed my hand. "Why can't I say it?" She whispered shakily.

"Because she ruined my life." What I wouldn't give to be able to drain that stupid human girl, I'd lost everything because of her blood, and I'd never even got to taste it. "Izzy." I muttered. "You'll be Izzy."

She was still very scared but annoyance, curiosity and anger were taking over. "How old are you?" I asked, she must be fairly young, too young to be alone, certainly, in a place like this.

"Eighteen." She said, and I could tell the lie was automatic, that must be how old she'd been when she'd been changed.

I ran my hands along her ribs, down to her hips and gripped them harder than was necessary. "The truth." I growled.

"Thirty three." She bit out, pulling away from me again. I let her go and moved back to the chair.

"Where's your maker?"

"Dead."

"You killed him?" I asked. The girl ignited my curiosity.

"It was a woman, and she was killed just after she bit me." Telling me this caused her great pain, and I wondered if the woman had been her mate. That would complicate things.

"She was to be your mate?"

The girl snarled. "No." She spat. "I was to be her victim."

"Interesting. Who killed her then?" I waited for her answer, but it never came, she only became more distressed.

Only another vampire would have been able to do it, so the girl must have already had a mate. A mate that would kill for her. Unwillingly, I began to think of my brother. He would have done that. If I'd got any closer he'd have killed me to save _her_.

"And where is your mate now?" She flinched like I'd hit her again.

"Gone." She whimpered.

"Dead?" I asked. I wasn't usually this cruel, but something about her made me want to know everything, and I was happy to pull it out of her slowly.

"No! I don't know. He left me, both of them did. They all leave eventually." She was getting frantic, so I returned to her side and put one hand on her abdomen to calm her, but she fought against it, becoming more upset and I had to step away.

"Both of them? You've had two mates?" Two mates in the last fourteen years seemed unlikely.

She didn't answer me at all this time, but started sobbing quietly. I noticed the bracelet around her wrist, tarnished silver with a tiny wooden dog charm attached. "One of them gave you this?" I held the charm up to see it better in the light and realised it was a wolf.

"Please don't break it." She begged. "It's all I've got."

The charm confused me. A wolf charm wasn't something any vampire would wish to give or receive, so either her mate had been not been taught our ways, or, more likely, he had been human. Those questions could be answered another day, if I upset her much more she'd never be any good to me.

"I'm going to take off your blindfold; can you keep your teeth to yourself?" I reached up slowly as she nodded and tensed, and untied the scarf.

Her eyes stayed closed for a second, and I noticed that she was very beautiful, her face was as perfect as the rest of her body had been. She was, perhaps, the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen.

And then she opened her eyes.

**An: So, tell me what you think. Do you like evil Jasper? Do you hate him? Let me know.**


	2. Chapter Two

**AN: Thank you for all the reviews, I'm amazed at how many the first chapter got. You guys are brilliant. This chapter should answer some of your questions :)**

**Thanks again to xteamxjasperx for her input.**

Chapter Two

_And then she opened her eyes._

They were gold. Beautifully, painfully, gold.

"Jasper?" Her startled gasp almost knocked me over. No one had called me that for years, how could she possibly know my name?

And what she was feeling made no sense either. It was mostly shock and confusion, but underneath it, love and relief were rising steadily.

"Is it really you? Tell me this is real, tell me I've found you." She begged.

I was still struggling to get over the shock of her eyes, and I wished she'd shut up. I couldn't convince meself to look away from the eyes that brought back so many memories.

"Who are you?" I ground out.

"I told you, I'm... you know who I am Jasper, just look at me." And I did look, I took in the face that had changed, but was still the same and everything fell into place.

She was the little girl whose death I craved, and here she was, entirely at my mercy. It was fitting that she'd finally got her wish, and become one of our kind, only to be alone. To end up here, to die at my hands.

I stalked towards her trying to calm my rage. I didn't want to waste this opportunity and kill her now, when I could make her death last as long as I liked. Someone had denied me her blood, but they'd given me the chance to break her before she died.

She was babbling on and on about something or other, but I couldn't hear her. All I was interested in was choosing how to start the torture.

I ran my finger from her navel to her neck, then wrapped my fingers around her throat, stopping her from breathing. Confusion again, but she wasn't really frightened now. Perhaps this would be more fun if she understood what was going to happen to her.

I released her throat and stepped back. "Shut up Bella." I spat, and got at least a little satisfaction from how hurt she looked.

"You've been given to me as a pet, and I'll do with you as I see fit. And what I want to do, is to make you beg, and then kill you. Slowly." She still wasn't afraid, only more bewildered.

"What _happened_ Jasper?" She asked.

"You honestly don't know do you?" I sighed, settling back in my chair. This was going to be a long night. "Alice left me because of you. They all left me. This is all I have now. War and women."

She looked down at herself, probably remembering her sate of dress and I smirked. It was a shame she could no longer blush.

"What do you mean; they left you because of me? I haven't seen any of them in fifteen years."

"You got a paper cut. Then you went and sliced your whole arm open. I went with my instincts and tried to drink you. Is this ringing any bells? My family had enough of me and sent me away. A heart warming story, don't you think?"

"They left you too huh?" She said quietly. "I guess neither of us was ever good enough."

"Silly little Bella. Edward always said you were so observant. Idiot. He left you because he loved you. He was trying to keep you safe. That was clearly a mistake." I laughed, enjoying her discomfort. "What happened to you then? It's only fair, I've shared my story."

"It's a long story." She mumbled, hiding her face behind a curtain of hair the way she had as a human.

"We have forever." I reminded her. Reluctantly she began to tell me what had happened over the last decade and a half.

"When he left... I fell apart, I existed, but that was all. Jacob Black put me back together and we became friends, and then a couple. He was a werewolf, part of the Quileute pack. Victoria came after me, in revenge for James' death, a mate for a mate she said." Bella chuckled but her sadness was almost crippling.

"She bit me before Jacob could get to her. Then I was burning, and when my transformation was over I found myself alone in your house. He left me a note asking me to respect the treaty."

I waited for more, but she seemed to think the story was over. "Who trained you? Who helped you learn control, taught you to hunt?"

"No one. I spent the first year close to the house until I thought it was safe enough to travel around humans, then I went to Alaska where I'd hoped to find Edward, but I wasn't welcome there. Seven years ago, I met another nomad, Garrett. He made life... interesting, for a while, but he wanted a mate, and I... I wasn't capable of that, so we parted ways. He should be with the Denali's now if things worked out. I've been looking for you for a long time Jasper."

My anger faltered and almost died completely. I'd ruined her life as much she'd ruined mine. She'd spent most of her existence as a vampire searching for us, and she was as lost and alone as I.

"How do you like what you've found?" I asked sarcastically.

"I don't." She said flatly staring at the floor. "What have you become? You aren't the man I knew. If I'd have been someone else, any other woman, what would you have done? You'd have, you'd have r-raped me wouldn't you?" She stuttered.

"I'd have seduced you." I corrected, there was a huge difference and the distinction was important to me. "There is never a need for force. You'd have begged for my touch."

Her eyes flashed up to meet mine. "I'd beg for death first." She spat.

"We'll see." I laughed and began to use my powers on her. It wasn't the way I usually liked to do things, I never used my gifts for this, but I wanted a quick reaction. I wanted her to know just how powerless she was.

She was panting in seconds, and writhing in her bonds. I had to admit, it was a good look for her. "You bastard." She gasped, only making me add in my own lust to up the dosage.

"Ready to beg yet?" I asked pleasantly.

"... ugh... never..." I was impressed she'd held out this long, really.

A little contact and she'd crack. My hand trailed a slow path between her breasts over her stomach and down to the waistband of her panties.

"Please." She whimpered as I dipped a finger an inch below the waistline and ran it from one side to the other.

I smiled, knowing I was about to win. "Please what, Bella?" I whispered into her ear. "Tell me what you want."

"Please stop." Her voice cracked. Immediately I stopped projecting lust, and was able to feel what she was feeling. Utter terror. I was disgusted with myself. She'd truly thought I was going to attack her, and hadn't I given her every reason to think so? I was just as bad as Lucian after all.

"I'm sorry Bella." I said quietly, soothing her. "I honestly wouldn't have done anything. I'm very sorry I upset you. Please don't be afraid."

I reached up to remove her restraints knowing she'd never be able to calm down while she was still defenceless. As soon as her arms were free she dropped into a crouch and stared up at me warily.

Without taking her eyes off me her fingers worked at the cuffs around her ankles until she was free of them, then she darted around me to crouch in the corner. She'd picked up her shredded dress and was holding it against herself with one arm, the other raised in front of her ready to defend herself.

"I was just trying to get a reaction out of you. You are quite safe from me. I never have, and never will force myself on a woman." I was trying to calm her, but she was making it very difficult. She wasn't quite as frightened now, but for some reason she was indescribably sad.

"Would you like to get cleaned up? The bathroom is just through that door." She glanced at the door then back at me.

"You won't come in?" She said uncertainly.

"You have my word. I won't move from this chair until you come out." I moved slowly towards the dresser so as not to startle her. I'd ruined what appeared to be her only clothing and she'd need something clean to put on after her shower. I found her a t-shirt and some sweats that would be far too big, but they'd do until I could find something else for her to wear.

She snatched the clothes from me and darted into the bathroom, quickly locking the door behind her. I sat in the chair and waited. It took her half an hour to move away from the door, and another forty minutes until she got undressed and turned on the shower.

I felt terrible for making her so afraid. Though it was true that I had spent a great deal of time fantasising about hurting her, in many, many different ways, this wasn't one of them. I knew I had gone too far. I couldn't deny that a part of me had enjoyed her fear, and the way her voice had shook as she'd begged me stop, but the larger, better part of me was disgusted.

I could hear her crying now over the thrum of the water. I supposed the reunion hadn't been quite what she'd expected. She said she'd been looking for us for a long time, and when she'd finally found one of us, she'd been attacked. I'd told her I wanted to kill her.

I couldn't believe how long she'd been looking for us. She must still love Edward. I was intrigued by her mention of Garrett, a man I had heard of from Carlisle a long time ago. I wondered what she'd meant by her inability to be his mate.

From what I understood from what she'd told me, she counted Edward and the wolf as mates, so what had stopped her from giving herself to the nomad? Edward was the only conclusion. I was surprised to find myself angry at her for not giving up on him sooner. I had long ago lost any hope that I would be reunited with Alice.

I was also angry at her for dragging up memories that had been so carefully buried.

I closed my eyes, and for the first time in at least twelve years, thought about my wife.

We had been in Alaska only three days when she had cracked. She'd not said a single word to me since the party, not one sound had passed her lips. I'd tried repeatedly to get her to talk to me, but I couldn't even get her to look me in the eye.

I'd been able to feel every ounce of hatred she was pouring out, and all her sadness at losing her friend, but she wouldn't let me comfort her. Eventually, I'd used my powers to try to lighten her pain, and she'd thrown me across the room.

"_Get out!"_ She'd screamed. I could hear the words playing perfectly in my head. _"You've ruined everything. I can't keep fighting to stop you killing. You tried to kill my best friend, my sister, and I've had enough. Edward's left, Bella is broken and our family has been forced to run again."_

I'd told her I was sorry, begged her to give me another chance. Told her that I couldn't cope without her, that I'd slip. She'd told me she didn't care.

"_Go back to what you know Jasper."_ She'd whispered. _"You always were a killer. I was stupid to believe I could ever make you anything else."_

Her last words had haunted me for months, until I'd finally succumbed to the urge for human blood. I hadn't felt a shred of guilt. It was as if Alice had given me permission. As soon as I'd finished my meal, her other words had become clear. So I did as she'd said, I went back to what I knew.

The bathroom door clicked quietly open, and I met the eyes of the girl I had hurt so much, and who had hurt me so badly, thoughts of my past still spinning in my head.

* * *

I showered as fast as I could and threw on the clothes he'd given me. I wasn't sure I believed his promise to stay away.

How had this happened? It wasn't supposed to be like this. I should have found the family together and happy. Instead I'd found only Jasper and he wasn't even the Jasper I knew. He'd said he wanted me dead. And I understood why.

My stupid, thoughtless accident had led to his mate leaving him, and his life had completely changed. I wondered how he'd come to be a part of this, _coven_ seemed like the wrong word, establishment was the best I could come up with. If I was a braver person I might ask him what this place was, and what Maria had been talking about earlier.

He said Edward still loved me. That he'd left to keep me safe, but that couldn't be true. Alice must have seen Victoria coming after me, and surely if he wanted to keep me safe he'd have come back and fought for me.

It was almost impossible that Alice hadn't seen what was happening, so the only conclusion was that Edward simply hadn't cared. None of them had. All my dreams withered to nothing as I finally thought about the things I'd locked out of my mind for so long.

I thought about the man waiting outside this room. His appearance was almost nothing like I remembered. He was covered in scars from his jaw to his collar bone, little crescents just like the one I'd had on my hand as a human. How had he got them, and were there more hiding beneath his shirt?

Had he always had them, or were they recent? Maybe my human eyes simply couldn't see them, or perhaps I had, but the memory was no longer there.

I was afraid to leave the room. He'd been remorseful about his actions towards me, or at least he'd looked that way. He could have been acting, and planning to attack me as soon as I left the bathroom. He was drinking humans now, his eyes had told me so quite clearly. He could be just as evil as James and Victoria. On the other hand, he could be telling the truth, I suppose I had provoked him a bit, and he had stopped as soon as I'd asked him to. He'd also let me out of those restraints.

I'd just have to risk it and hope for the best, if I stayed in here much longer he'd probably come and drag me out. It took me another seventeen minutes and thirty two seconds to open the door.

He was sitting in the chair, as he'd promised he would and he looked as broken as I felt. His eyes were full of shame as they met mine, and I knew that he wouldn't hurt me.

"Put your shoes on and I'll get you out of here." He ordered.

"Get me out?" I panicked. "I've only just found you. Please don't make me leave."

He straightened up in his chair. "You want to stay?" He questioned. "This isn't a good place for you."

"I don't care. I've been on my own too long. I'm sick to death of making plans and looking for people who obviously don't care about me. I'm sick of running. Let me stay." I begged.

"You don't know what you're asking."

"Tell me then. What is this place? Why do you need newborns. Who is Maria?" I knew sounded angry, but I wasn't, I was just trying to hide how desperate I was to stay. To finally belong somewhere.

He sighed and sank back in his chair, he looked like he was in pain.

He told me his story, beginning it long before he was born. His voice remained clinical, detached, as if he was telling me about someone else's life. I learnt that Maria was the woman that had changed him, and the horror his life had been before he'd escaped with Peter and Charlotte. I'd met them a year ago, but I didn't interrupt to tell him that.

No emotions crossed his face at all, even when he got to the part about meeting Alice.

"When Alice left me, or asked me to leave, I should say, I came back here, to the only place I was certain I'd be welcome. Maria was wary at first, but pleased to have me back, and I've earned her trust again. We currently hold Texas, and I believe Maria has plans to take Mexico at some point."

"Now you see why you have to leave. If you stayed here, you'll be as damaged as me, inside and out, within a year. You're not cut out for this life Bella."

"And you are?" I countered. "You're not happy here, but you're surviving. I'm good at that, I'd rather be unhappy here with you than alone again."

"You couldn't live this life, Bella. Do you honestly think you can watch while we turn people in vampires, only to send them to their deaths within a year?" He snapped and I tried not to flinch. "Can you listen to their screams as they burn? You wouldn't even be able to defend yourself against them, they'd rip you apart."

"Teach me then. You could teach me to fight couldn't you? I'm a fast learner." If war was his life, as he'd said, surely he wouldn't turn down a willing pupil.

"Why would I waste my time? I don't want you to stay Bella." He sneered and I had to fight not to cry. No one wanted me, not even someone as damaged and obviously lonely as Jasper.

I wrapped my arms around myself, just as I had as a human, hoping to close the chasm of pain inside me before he felt it. I couldn't give up now, and there was no way I could ever convince him to let me stay if he knew how broken I was.

"I can help you. I'll do whatever you want, keep things tidy, wash your clothes. I could find a job or two so I wouldn't be in your way." I pleaded. I knew how worthless my offers were to him. He didn't need me at all. I was the one that needed him, and I had nothing to bargain with.

"If I decide to let you stay, you'll do whatever I tell you to." He smirked. "I distinctly remember telling you that you were mine to do with as I wished. But perhaps you'd like a tour first, before we make a decision. Maybe you'd like to see the life that might await you."

I bit back any comments about belonging to myself. I was willing to do whatever it took to have somewhere to belong again. I briefly wondered how bad a life here would be. The Jasper that had taken me to Phoenix had been kind, but reserved. The Jasper before me was outspoken, harsh and needlessly cruel. I dreaded what awaited me, but I was more afraid of being alone again.

I kept my eyes on him as I tied a knot in the side of the pants to keep them up, and joined him at the door. He placed his hand on the small of my back, and I was assaulted by a memory of him doing the same thing in the airport so long ago. He dropped his hand immediately and scowled, as if he knew what I was thinking about.

Shoving me in front of him he locked the door behind us, and then pushed me down the corridor. The floor was smooth and worn beneath my bare feet, but damp and cold. I was grateful for my vampire skin and remained unbothered by the temperature. The air was cool and fresh, much different from the air at street level which seemed permanently baked by the hot Texan sun.

As we moved further, down more sets of stairs, the scents of vampires got stronger, until they were so strong it was almost uncomfortable. "Where are we going?" I asked fearfully.

He gave me another hard shove before he spoke, and I almost fell this time, only my quick reflexes saved me. "I'm taking you to the pit."

"What's the pit?" It couldn't be good, the amount of venom in the air made it bitter, I'd never smelt anything like it.

"You'll see." He chuckled mirthlessly.

Finally, we entered a large open room. The floor in the middle was sunken to form a pit of about fifty feet square. The sounds registered first, the snarling, snapping and keening that announced vampires fighting. I looked around for the source of the noise and saw two partially clothed men tearing at each other at the other side of the room. A few feet from them another was chained to the wall, struggling wildly against his restraints.

I counted eight in the room, seven of them on the lower level, and one surveying them from above. I was shocked to notice two of them openly having sex, and even more horrified to realise that the woman was actually struggling vainly to get out from under the man.

"Help her." I cried, directing Jasper's gaze towards the couple.

"Why?" He asked, shrugging. I couldn't believe he could stand there allowing that to happen.

"Fine." I growled. "I'll do it"." I jumped lightly over the low railing, but Jasper followed me and shoved me against the wall before I even had time to take step towards the poor woman.

"Think very carefully before you do that." He snarled into my face. "If you pull him off her, he'll just take what he wants from you. He has twice your strength, you won't be able to stop him, and I don't care enough to come to your rescue."

Jasper's hands were gripping my arms so hard it was painful, but he could have let me go, my fear froze me in place. I tore my gaze from the woman's anguished face to look up into his cold dark eyes and trembled.

I was ashamed that I didn't have the strength to help her, or the courage to try anyway.

"It will be over soon." Jasper whispered softly, as if that would make things better. He released me and moved to stand at my side.

Sure enough, a minute later, the huge male got up and wandered across the room as if nothing had happened. The man I'd seen on the catwalk above leapt down into the pit and picked up the sobbing woman, who had curled up in a ball, pulling her knees to her chest.

He approached us with her in his arms, grinning maliciously over her head. "Major." He nodded at Jasper. "This one's done. Might I be excused to dispose of her?"

Jasper sighed. "Ten minutes, Lucian. I've got things to do, don't keep me waiting."

Lucian grinned again and sped from the room.

"What did he mean? Dispose of her? Is he letting her go?" I wondered aloud.

"No." Jasper said sharply. "He's going to kill her. She's useless now, she couldn't even fight that one off and he's nine months old. She's too old, so he's going to get rid of her."

"And you've just let him? How can you be so callous? You stood by while that monster raped her, and now you've sent her off to be slaughtered. What did she do to deserve that?" I could hardly take it in. Only knowing I was unable to sleep told me that this wasn't a nightmare. This was real.

"She lived too long." He spat. "She was just a soldier Bella, nothing more, nothing less."

"She was also a woman, she was a person, and she was terrified, even I could see that, couldn't you feel it?"

"Yes I could feel it. I feel everything. You need to get used to this, they are not people anymore, they are pawns, irrational, dangerous pawns. Next time, I'll let you try to help, and we'll see how fond of them you are when you're trying to piece yourself and your dignity back together."

I couldn't see them as anything other than people though. I remembered the horror of my first year. The fear that was almost constant as I found out what I had become, what I was capable of. The shame and guilt of my first hunt, the inability to do such simple things as dress myself without tearing my clothes to shreds or crushing buttons to powder.

These young vampires had been changed and taught to fight, as far as I knew, they hadn't even known vampires existed until the day they'd died. And they'd woken up to what could only be described as a truly horrifying existence.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if that woman welcomed the death that awaited her. I know I would. From Jasper's reaction to the situation, it seemed that acts of brutality like the one I'd just witnessed were commonplace.

I knew that I couldn't stay here.

A strange mixture of fear and calm surged within me, and I turned to see what Jasper was doing. "Enough." He bellowed at the men that were still fighting. "Pick yourselves up and separate."

The men scuffled for a few more seconds before giving up and doing as he asked. Why couldn't he have done that earlier?

"I want to leave." I told him carefully. It shouldn't be a problem, given that he'd brought me down here mainly to convince me that staying in this place was a bad idea. "You were right. I can't do it."

The thought of leaving, of being alone again, was awful. But this was worse. I couldn't bear to spend another hour in this place, let alone a lifetime. Staying here would kill what little spirit I had left.

Jasper ignored me and continued to watch over the now silent newborns. I didn't want to see any more of them, so I stared down at the floor. Concrete, pitted and dented in places with impressions of the vampires that had fallen, or more likely, been thrown there.

Underneath the heavy scent of venom was old, dried, blood. In places, it stained the dirty floor, and I tried not to imagine feeding time in this hell hole.

Lucian, the vampire who'd called Jasper 'Major' earlier stalked back into the room, a satisfied smirk on his face. He came straight to us, ignoring Jasper this time, and addressing me.

"Who might you be?" He purred. I hated him already.

"Isabella."

He licked his lips as his eyes raked over me. I shuddered, but forced myself not to step behind Jasper as I wanted to.

"Are you keeping her?" He asked, turning to Jasper now.

I waited for his answer with as much curiosity as Lucian. "I haven't decided yet." He said guardedly.

"Maria said I could have her when you were done." Lucian grinned. "Don't mess her up too much, eh? I like the look of this one, pretty eyes."

"Maria says a lot of things." Jasper snapped grabbing my wrist and pulling me behind him. "Keep an eye on things; I don't want any more lost tonight."

He dragged me quickly out of the room and along the passages that led to his bedroom.

"I've changed my mind." He said, pushing me onto the bed. "I'm going to keep you."

I scrambled off the bed and to the door, but he was blocking it before I reached it. I'd sparred with Garrett, but it had always been in fun, I'd never needed to fight for real before, but there was a first time for everything.

I launched myself at him, hoping surprise would give me an edge, but he flicked me away easily, and when I got up he was still standing at the door as if I hadn't touched him at all.

Crouching, I feinted to the left before springing at him this time, and I managed to knock him to the side, but he took me with him and pinned me to the ground.

He held my wrists securely with one hand, the other fisted in my hair to pull my head to the side while his knees trapped my thighs. He had me immobilized completely and his teeth were millimetres from my throat.

I may as well have been human for all the good my strength did me like this. I kept totally still. "Are you going to be a good girl? Or will I have to spoil that lovely neck?" He whispered.

I swallowed my fear. "I'll be good." I whimpered. All I need to do was wait until he was distracted and then I'd run.

He reared back to look at me, and I was grateful for the distance between his teeth and my skin. His eyes were almost black as he stared down at me, and I felt some remnant of the worry I'd always had whenever Edward's eyes were dark.

He sat back, straddling my hips. "Let me see... what shall I make you do first?"

I panicked and tried to buck him off me. His low growl rumbled through me as he ground his hips against mine. "Oh." He purred. "Do it again."

I realised I was powerless, entirely at his mercy, and once again I was paralysed by fear. "I-I'm sorry." I gabbled. "I'll behave, j-just please don't..." I was pathetic, and too afraid to care.

He shrugged. "Suit yourself. I need to hunt, and so do you."

That was perfect, if I could get out of this building I could get away easily.

"I don't think so. Don't feel too pleased. You won't be coming." He chuckled. I was soon against the wall again, trapped by those impossibly strong chains. I knew struggling was futile.

"Don't look at me like that. I'll bring you something good to eat."

"I won't eat human, Jasper." I reminded him quickly. I doubted he'd make the effort to find me an animal, but I refused to take a human life. I'd rather starve.

He left without a word and I struggled to calm myself down. I was alone again, in what was now my prison.

**AN: So... Do you _still_ like Jasper? Did I answer some of your questions? Or have I left you even more confused?**


	3. Chapter Three

**An: Thank you so, so much for all the reviews, I know I've been crappy at replying, but I thought you'd prefer another chapter to a reply. Hope I was right :) Massive thanks again to xTeamxJasperx for all her help x**

Chapter Three

_Jasper_

I found a victim quickly, a depressed old man who lived alone and had no visitors. I may have gone back to my natural food source, but I was by no means the same man as the last time I'd been a human drinker. Back then, blood had been a reward, and as a good soldier I'd had my fill of it whenever I wanted it. I remembered nights I'd killed several humans, drinking until it became uncomfortable, simply because I liked the taste.

Now I hunted roughly once a fortnight, and if possible, my meals were well past caring whether they lived or died. I wasn't sure why I cared, why I didn't sate myself fully on whatever took my fancy. Perhaps I'd lived with Carlisle too long, and started to truly believe in the sanctity of human life. Perhaps I was punishing myself. I didn't care to dwell on it.

Bella was plaguing me. Part of me had decided to keep her because I didn't like the way Lucian was looking at her, but I'd changed my mind about letting her go mainly because I wanted to hurt her, as she'd hurt me. No one had questioned my lifestyle or my morals in a long time. And no one had made me feel that guilty since Alice. The point was, I knew letting those things happen was wrong, I just didn't care. Usually. Bella had made me care again.

What right did she have to come here and tell me what to do? At least I had moved on. She was still searching, and still clinging to some desperate hope. It was pathetic.

I'd only shown her those things because I knew she was too weak to stand them. I wanted her to know that her pretty caramel eyes didn't make her any better than me. I was the strong one now. I was the one in control. I was needed here, I was important. She was nothing. And I needed her to know.

I could easily explain my reasoning, but I couldn't explain the guilt. She had deserved to be hurt, hadn't she? That was what I wanted. Why had her fear, her desperate pleas, made me feel so bad? I caused fear all the time, it never bothered me. Why the hell was I feeling so guilty?

I'd frightened her to the point where she couldn't move. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she'd thought I was going to force myself on her. Again. And hadn't I given her every reason to believe I would? I couldn't stop seeing those beautiful, terrified eyes staring up at me.

And I couldn't stop liking them either.

Again, some dark part of me took pleasure in her pain. I fed off her fear as I never had before. I almost craved it. Seeing her below me, at my mercy, ready to agree with whatever I said, because she knew what I could do to her if she didn't. The power was heady.

There was another helping of guilt. I should not have enjoyed it. I couldn't deny that a part of me, most of me, had wanted to go further. I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted any of Maria's offerings before. But she was _Bella_. Things were different.

I knew that I would never get her to beg like the others had. She'd never want me that way, but it was difficult not to see her as the gift she'd originally been. I'd seen her, and wanted her, and known I could have her. And then she ruined it by opening her eyes. And then her mouth.

Despite all that I still wanted her, of course I did. What man wouldn't?

Lucian had certainly liked her. And she had despised him before he'd even spoken. When he'd raked his eyes over her, I'd felt an almost overwhelming urge to step in front of her. Then he'd reminded me that she was to be his if I didn't want to keep her, and I'd wanted to rip his head off.

She was mine.

Bella had always been an astoundingly good human, and I'd guess she was just as good, and just as kind now. She didn't deserve any of the things he would do to her. Then again, she didn't deserve what I had done to her. Or what I wanted to do to her. She brought out the worst in me.

I was conflicted. I wanted to protect her, and at the same time I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to fear me and I wanted her to like me. She was all at once, the Bella she had been fifteen years ago, and a different woman entirely. I didn't know what to do with her.

The only thing I was sure of, was that for whatever reason, I wanted her around. I was glad Maria had found her, and I was glad I had her. She was mine now, and whatever I decided to with her, she was staying. I had been bored for years, she would give me something to think about, if nothing else.

I realised I'd been heading south for too long, and I'd overshot the house by miles. I was about to turn back when I remembered I hadn't found anything for her to eat. If I was holding her prisoner, and I knew that was exactly what I was doing, she would have to be fed.

I hadn't hunted animals for so long that I expected to find it difficult, and was pleased to find the scent of some sort of feline quite quickly. I followed it, imagining the look on Maria's face if she saw me walking in with it.

Eventually I found what I'd been tracking, an Ocelot. I tapped the top of its head, knocking it out so that it would be less of a hassle to carry back. Carlisle would have a fit if he knew Bella was about to eat something so endangered. The thought made me smile.

As I ran back, I wondered what Bella was thinking right now. I was willing to bet she was still trying to escape. The Bella I knew wouldn't sit and wait for someone to rescue her. She'd never been that kind of girl.

Was there even anyone out there who would be looking for her now? I hadn't smelled anyone else on her but Maria, and the men who had brought her in.

I couldn't understand why she was alone. There wasn't a chance Alice had missed everything that had happened to her. From what she'd said, it sounded like she'd been turned less than a year after we left. Alice must have seen it happening, and she wouldn't have left Bella unprotected. She must not have told Edward either. The love he felt for Bella was the single strongest emotion I'd ever encountered, and he loved her enough to leave her to keep her safe. There was no way he would leave her to the fate he'd tried to save her from.

The only conclusion I could come up with, was that they were dead, or at least Alice was. Why else would they leave someone they loved so much to such a fate? The thought that my one time mate was truly gone didn't hurt me as much as I expected. I still loved her, I'd never stop, but I knew with absolute certainty that there was no future for us. She'd made that abundantly clear.

What difference did it make whether she was dead or alive? Either way I'd never see her again.

How would Bella react if I was right, if Edward was dead? When she'd asked to stay with me, I'd realised she'd given up on finding him, but it was clear she still loved him. Finding he was gone would kill her. I would not voice my suspicions to her.

I wondered what we'd be doing now if I had simply allowed her to stay, without showing her the pit, or treating her as my captive. How long could I have enjoyed her company and behaved myself before she realised how bad I'd become, or before she'd found out what an evil place she was in? She might even have welcomed my advances. I rolled my eyes at myself for thinking that.

And then I wondered if she was still alone and ran faster. Why hadn't I thought of that? I'd left her completely defenceless in a house full of vampires with even less morals than me. They knew to stay out of my room, but sometimes I'd catch a scent in there that wasn't my own. I knew my privacy wasn't always respected. And some of them knew Bella was in there.

What if she proved too much temptation?

* * *

_Bella_

I was scared, and I was losing it. Jasper had been gone for hours and the candles around me were burning low. Most of them had already gone out. Darkness didn't usually bother me, but here, in this unfamiliar, frightening place, I wished for light.

For the third time I heard footsteps approach, and both hoped and feared that he was back. But yet again, the steps passed my door, and the quiet came creeping back. The only sound was the low purring of the remaining candle flames.

Why hadn't I left when he'd given me the chance?

I gave the restrains another half-hearted tug. What the hell were they made of? If Jasper was in a good mood when he came back I'd ask him.

I felt myself tensing up at the thought of him coming back in a bad mood. I started hyperventilating and then stopped breathing until I'd calmed down. He swore he wouldn't touch me like that, but the look in his eyes when I'd tried to buck him off told an entirely different story.

I had met vampires that I had thought meant me harm before, but I had run. I was fast. Trapped like this I was helpless. I hated what I was, but I'd always been thankful for the safety it brought me. Vampire strength was useless now.

I thought about just giving in to him. I had nothing left to live for anyway really, not now I'd realised how little my 'family' cared. It would be easier to do what he wanted. He might even be kind to me again if I was good. I shook my head ashamed at myself for being ready to give up so easily. I had never been that girl.

No, I couldn't do that. My stubborn streak wouldn't let me, so I decided that this would be easier if I co-operated. I wouldn't fight him unless it was necessary, and I wouldn't try to escape until I was sure I could actually get out. The most important part of my hazy plan, was to give Jasper no reason to hurt me.

I could hear footsteps again. Running this time. I pressed back against the wall, hoping that if anyone came in they wouldn't notice me if I kept still enough.

The door flew open and crashed against the wall, and my captor and tormentor stood surveying the room. He made a noise, which I took for relief, but could have been anything really. I wondered if he'd thought I might have escaped.

He dropped something to the ground. I could smell the blood pulsing and hear the steady thump of a heartbeat and my throat burned in response. I ignored the animal, preferring to keep an eye on Jasper as he moved around the room. He was muttering angrily to himself, but I couldn't make out the words. The room brightened as he lit more candles. Why didn't he use the electric lights?

I was getting impatient. I wanted to be out of these cuffs and I wanted to eat.

"I'll feed you in a minute Bella." He muttered.

My head snapped up. "Feed me?" I growled. "I'm perfectly capable of feeding myself!"

"How do you expect to feed without the use of your arms?" His voice was silky as he turned towards me, smiling nastily.

I had promised myself I wouldn't anger him, so I tried to reign in my more hostile feelings as I ignored him.

He scooped the stunned creature up, and I realised it was some sort of large cat I'd never seen before. Almost like a small leopard. It smelt fairly appealing. Venom slowly welled up in my mouth, and I swallowed and licked my lips as he brought the animal closer.

I chanced a glance up at him, and saw he was enjoying this too much. Did he like the fact that it humiliated me, or was it the control it gave him? Either way, I wanted to wipe the smirk off his face. I turned my head away from the meal I so badly wanted, and focused on remaining calm.

"What's the problem Bella?" He asked. I could hear the smile in his voice as I refused to look at him.

"I'm not a child." I spat. "I won't be fed."

He gripped my jaw and jerked my head around to face him. "You will do as I say."

He released his hold on me, and brought the cat close to my face. The smell of blood intensified, and I could feel its heat spreading out towards me. I breathed in deeply enjoying the warm scented air and swallowed more venom. I turned away from it again.

Jasper's hand was on my hip in an instant, squeezing too tightly. "Am I going to have to punish you?" He whispered leaning in close to my ear. The warm body of the cat pressed against me comfortingly, in complete contrast to the effect of his harsh grip.

I shook my head in defeat and tried to keep a hold of my fear. I had promised myself I would behave, and I was going against him already.

I sunk my teeth into the animal's jugular and let the warm, sweet blood coat my burning throat. "Good girl." Jasper purred, stroking my hair back from my face. I flinched away from him before I could stop myself and looked at him to see if I'd made him mad.

He looked oddly pleased by my reaction, and then hurt for a second before he covered it. I finished my meal, and tried to work out what his expression meant. It was as if he wanted to hurt me, like he wanted me to be afraid, but at the same time, he wanted me to like him. It was confusing.

He had behaved similarly the whole time I'd been with him, even before we'd known who the other was. He'd hit me, and then tried to soothe me. Slapped his powers at me, then apologised and tried to make me feel better. He tried to convince me to leave, as that was best for me, then decided to keep me against my will. Was he insane? Could vampires lose their minds? I needed to be very careful.

He threw the carcass out of the room and closed the door, returning to stand in front of me. His eyes roved over my face for a moment, focusing on my chin. I tensed, waiting for him to hit me, and closed my eyes.

The pain never came. I gasped as I felt his tongue flick along my jaw and across my lower lip. Pulling away I only managed to crack the back of my head against the wall.

And then he was lying on the bed, propped up by soft looking pillows and licking his lips. "Not as bad as I remember, but I think the taste of you had something to do with that." He smiled at me genuinely.

I struggled to calm myself down. He was only getting some spilt blood. There was no need to be afraid. My breaths came out shakily, so I stopped again for a while. I hated that he could tell how much he was affecting me.

I shifted from foot to foot. I wasn't uncomfortable physically, but I wished I could get my legs together, and my arms by my sides. It would at least make me feel a little less exposed, less defenceless.

Jasper sprang to his feet and waved a hand over the bed. "Would you rather be chained to the bed before we begin?" He grinned.

"No." I shouted. "Begin what?"

"Silly girl." He laughed, enjoying my fear. "I only want to talk to you."

I relaxed very slightly. "Oh."

"Would you be more comfortable on the bed?" He asked again.

"No thank you."

"Are you quite sure? I really do just want to talk." He _looked_ honest, but what did that mean. He could change his mind.

"I'd rather stay here." I told him as firmly as I could.

He scowled. "Stay where you are then. I'm bored, so I want to know what happened between your eighteenth birthday party, and your change."

I clamped my lips together automatically. I didn't want to talk about it.

"I haven't got all day Bella. Get on with it." He smirked at me. "Or do you need to be convinced?"

I shut my eyes and shook my head. No, I didn't want to be convinced. I didn't even want to know _how_ he intended to convince me to talk.

The story was difficult to tell, and I'd I told it only once before, to someone who offered me love and comfort. I had a feeling Jasper would take pleasure in my pain. I only hoped that when he felt me hurting, it hurt him too.

"A few days after the party, Edward took me into the woods to talk. He told me that he no longer loved me, and that he was tired of pretending to be what he wasn't. He broke my heart, and left me there. I can't really tell you much about the next few months, as I don't remember what happened, but I know I was a shadow of who I used to be."

"Charlie was worried about me, I had nightmares, or didn't sleep at all. And I was nothing but a shell, full of pain. Until Jacob. We were already friends, but not close really. He brought me back to life, like my own personal sun. I think without him I would have wasted away. Not long after I started spending time with him, he discovered he was a wolf, and I put the pieces together and worked things out for myself."

"Laurent came looking for me one day on behalf of Victoria. I was in Edwards meadow, trying to find a piece of him that he couldn't take away. He was going to kill me when five huge wolves came out of the woods, chased him away, and killed him. Jake was one of them."

"A while later Victoria came back to the area herself and I started spending most of my time in La Push where it was safe. After a while she gave up."

"Being a part of the pack was like having you back in a way, we were a family. Some of the wolves had mates, or parents or siblings that were always around. The pack leader's wife, Emily, became a good friend, and we spent a lot of time together looking after our boys." I smiled, remembering a happier time, when the boys would come home to the mountains of food we had prepared.

"Eventually, Jacob told me he loved me, and I tried my best to love him the way he wanted me to. He deserved more. Better. But he wanted me, and I owed him. I was happy enough. We knew it wouldn't last, the wolves imprint, they have a soul-mate, one person, meant for them above all others, and Jacob knew that I wasn't his. But it wasn't something we ever talked about."

"I was a new Bella all over again. I was brave, and confident and though I still missed Edward, and all of you terribly, I'd learnt to live." Remembering the girl I'd become hurt. I wished with all my heart that I was still that Bella.

"You were always brave." Jasper interjected reluctantly. The compliment surprised me. "You were willing to die to save your mother."

"That's not the kind of bravery I meant. Most decent people would give their lives for people they love, that's an easy kind of bravery. All it takes is loving someone else more than you love yourself." He scowled and shook his head. I knew that saying it was easy to be ready to die sounded silly, but I couldn't be bothered to explain it better. "I wasn't afraid to try new things, to be myself, and I was confident. No one made me feel inferior, or worthless."

Jasper interrupted again, sounding angry this time. "We never tried to make you feel inferior, Bella. The whole family thought the sun shone out of you."

"I know you didn't do it on purpose. It wasn't really anyone's fault but mine. I spent all my time with the seven most beautiful, intelligent, graceful creatures I'd ever seen. You were all perfect, and I was a moderately pretty, fairly clever, clumsy human. I couldn't compare." What I wouldn't give to be that clumsy, happy girl again. "On the reservation, I wasn't the ugliest, or the dumbest, or even the weakest. The wolves were like you in some ways, faster, stronger, better senses, but they still had flaws. I felt normal with them, and instead of being someone they always had to protect, I was someone they trusted."

"Then one night, everything changed, Jacob found the scent of a vampire in my room, and some of my clothes were missing. Then we noticed a huge number of suspicious murders happening in Seattle, slowly getting closer to Forks. The elders decided to send some wolves up to Seattle to see what was going on, they had suspicions that the vampire in my house, and the murders were related."

"In Seattle, they found a female, leading what they described as a small army. The woman was Victoria. We thought she'd given up because I was safe with the wolves, but she'd stepped up her game. We had no idea when they would arrive, and for a month, the wolves ran patrols constantly, only changing shifts to sleep for a few hours. I'd graduated by then, so I moved in with Jacob to make things easier."

"The attacks died down, and we thought we might be safe. Jacob took me camping in the woods so we could have some time alone. It was a mistake. She attacked that night, bringing twelve others with her. The wolves were outnumbered. The pack have a collective mind when they're in wolf form, and when Jacob phased to check in, he found them fighting. One of the younger wolves came up to keep watch over me, while Jacob joined the fight."

The moments I was reliving now, were some of my clearest human memories, and I could feel the fear and helplessness I'd felt back then creeping up on me again.

"Victoria, and another, Riley, got past the wolves. Riley took on little Seth, and Victoria came for me. By the time she bit me, I was almost unconscious, and I'm sure I would have died from the injuries she'd inflicted. That would have been better. She'd taken a great deal of blood by the time Jacob made it back to me. He finished her off, and I remained conscious just long enough to tell him what I was becoming. I burned for six days."

"I woke up, on the dining room table in your old house, alone. I was filthy, and covered in dried blood, my clothes were a mess, and I was confused. I lay there for four hours, trying to adjust to my new senses, I thought I was going mad."

Jasper remained silent, while I relived the last hours of my human life. The unbearable, unending pain as I listened to my heart speeding up, and eventually dying. The way my mind seemed to split and fracture further with every passing minute, until I thought I'd never find enough to fill it.

I remember being confused when I first heard the river, and then frightened as it seemed to get closer. I hadn't realised my hearing was improving. When my heart had stopped, along with the pain, I'd finally opened my eyes, and found myself at the Cullen's house. I could see dust particles as clearly as if I was looking through a microscope. I thought I was hallucinating.

When I'd finally adjusted to what I was seeing, I sat up, and had to spend another half an hour trying to get used to the speed I moved at. Eventually, I'd seen the paper on the table. I remembered the words, in that scruffy spiky handwriting, as well as if I'd read them seconds ago.

_I'm sorry it had to end this way. Please respect the treaty. Jacob._

By the time I'd found the note, I'd already come to the conclusion that I couldn't be one of the pack anymore, but I hadn't thought he'd be so cold about it. He didn't even say he loved me. That single slip of paper hurt me just as much as Edward had. More even. My new vampire emotions, just like everything else, were stronger than I thought possible. The loss, and loneliness were so bad it physically hurt.

I could feel the echoes of that pain now, and knew the wound still hadn't healed. I didn't think it ever would.

"Bella stop it." Jasper snapped. I felt him using his gift on me, some feeling of warmth I couldn't name pushed the pain away for a while. I was glad he'd felt it. He deserved some pain. I heard him sigh once I was no longer bothering him. "You can't have burnt for six days, it only takes three."

"I know that now. Garrett said I probably burnt for so long because there was so little venom in my body. Victoria only bit me once, and she probably sucked most of the venom out." I explained. Garrett had taught me a lot during my time with him. I had a lot of questions about being a vampire, having died knowing relatively little about it.

It was my turn to ask Jasper some things now. "Why did you decide to keep me?"

He scowled and glared at a spot above my head on the wall. "I want you." He shrugged.

I tensed automatically. He laughed.

"That's not what I meant, though I won't deny that I want you that way." He smirked and let his eyes roam over me. "I decided to keep you, because I wanted to. You owe me, Bella. And you will make it up to me. Besides, life is dull at the moment, I needed... a distraction."

"How long do you intend to keep me here?" I really wanted to ask him what he was going to do with me, but I was afraid of the answer.

He toed off his boots and linked his hands behind his head, smiling as he answered. "I've had fifteen, fairly shitty years because of you. I think you should repay me with the same. If you're a good girl, I'll let you go in a decade or so."

"You can't do that!" My anger was immediate, and intense. "I'm not an animal. What do you expect to do with me, leave me chained up here, feeding me when you can bothered? Fifteen years! No, you can't." I started to pull at the restraints again. "What the hell are these things made of?" I growled to myself.

"Vampire." Jasper drawled. I stilled.

"What?"

"The cuffs, they're made of vampire. It's in the walls too." He looked proud. I was disgusted, and tried to position myself so that none of my skin was actually touching the cuffs. "I came up with the idea, we melted iron with ash, venom and flesh, and it made an incredibly strong compound. You couldn't even bite through it."

I was just glad _I_ hadn't tried to bite through it. It was disgusting, I actually felt nauseous. And he was sitting there grinning like this was something to proud of. He was talking about using bits of people for god's sake. I couldn't bear to look at him.

I had to get away from this place. Away from him. "What can I do make you let me go? How can I make it up to you? Whatever you want, I'll do it." I knew what he was likely to want, and I didn't care, I just wanted out, and I was willing to do anything to get away.

His answer surprised me.

"There is nothing you can do Bella. You're mine, and you're staying until I'm sick of you." The possessive tone of his voice had me snapping my head up to keep an eye on him. The corners of his lips turned up slowly. "Of course, there are plenty of things you could do to make your stay here a little more interesting."

"Not a chance." I spat, glaring at him. I wasn't going to sleep with him just to pass the time.

I felt a faint flickering of desire burn low in my stomach. It was nothing like the overwhelming waves he'd sent before, but it was still an invasion, and it made me hate him more as I struggled to squash it.

"Are you quite sure Bella?" He smiled, curling his tongue up behind his teeth. He upped the lust a little, making me thankful for the clothes he'd given me as my underwear grew damp. He sniffed the air, his smile widening. "You smell delectable little Bella."

"Fuck you!" I growled, humiliation and frustration warring for dominance. If I ever got out of these chains I was going to rip his head off.

He did nothing to hide his own arousal as he watched me. After a few more seconds of staring at each other he stopped using his gift and crossed the room to stand in front of me. I waited for whatever was coming, knowing I was unable to stop it.

He stepped closer, so that our bodies were pressed together, I could feel every inch of his body against mine, and I fought against the instinct to pull away.

His lips trailed up my neck, stopping at my ear. "All you have to do is ask." He whispered.

I actually laughed. "In your dreams." As if I'd ever ask.

He pressed closer, forcing me into the wall and growled lowly. I cursed myself again, hoping I hadn't pushed him too far this time.

Without warning he pulled away from me and fled the room, leaving me alone again. I wondered where he had gone, but I was more worried about what would happen when he came back.

**An: Any thoughts about where Jasper's gone? Any thoughts about anything else? Let me know what you think...**


	4. Chapter Four

**An: So I know I was crappy with replies again (thank you for them all), I'm really sorry about that. I hope this chapter makes up for it.**

Chapter Four

_Bella_

Three hours. Three fucking hours I've been almost literally hanging here. He even left the door open, perfect for anyone to walk in here while I'm completely defenceless. And I've had enough.

I didn't think I could stick with my plan to behave for much longer. Trying not to anger him clearly didn't work. He'd promised me he wouldn't touch me, and then he'd used his gifts on me again, which in a way, was worse than him actually doing anything physical. It messed with my feelings, and it was something I couldn't possibly fight against. It was humiliating and frightening enough on its own, but apparently, that wasn't enough for him.

He had to get as close to me as possible. He had to make it worse. It was kissing my neck that bothered me more than anything else really. That was something intimate to be shared between lovers, and it didn't fit right with the way I was starting to see Jasper. In my opinion, he had become a cold, calculating person, one that would only do something if it served him.

I know he only turned me on because it humiliated me, and he enjoyed being able to control people in whatever way suited him. I also knew he wanted me, and at times I'd expected him to take me, whether I was willing or not, but so far he had always stopped. The only reason for this I could think of was that he wanted to prolong the torture.

If he enjoyed making me afraid, he might keep doing this for a while before he actually did what he so clearly wanted to. How long would it take him to decide he'd played with me enough? How long did I have to make my escape?

I tried to think of things that would give me more time, but I only had one idea, and I was scared to try it. If I didn't react, that might only push him into attacking me more quickly to get the reactions he desired. If I was honest with myself, I knew I wouldn't have much of a chance at hiding how much he affected me anyway.

I heard the almost silent tread of his feet approaching the room, and knew he was coming back. The panic was almost instantaneous. What new horror would he have for me this time?

He slammed the door behind him as he entered, and a part of me was relieved to feel a little safer, despite the fact that I was now trapped in here with someone just as dangerous as anyone outside the room. Possibly more so, as Jasper was the only vampire that had a personal vendetta against me.

The first thing I noticed was his dishevelled hair. He was a mess altogether really; even his clothes were wrinkled and torn in places. I was just wondering if he'd been fighting in the pit when the scent reached me. Sex, and what I was fairly sure was Maria's scent.

I tried not to laugh as I worked out what had happened. He'd got himself all worked up and had to run to her for some release. What sort of weird relationship did they have? They must be together, but she went out trawling the streets to find him little 'pets' to play with. It just seemed wrong. That wasn't surprising in the least, everything about this place was wrong.

I wondered why he hadn't just taken what he wanted form _me_. He could have done, and I know he wanted to. I thought back to what I'd been mulling over earlier and decided I must have been right. He was trying to drag this out, and while he enjoyed tormenting me, it left him with an itch only his mate could scratch. In a way I was pleased by this. If he had Maria, he would probably hold out longer with me, and that would give me a little more time to escape.

I watched him sit on the edge of the bed and let his head fall into his hands. Had he forgotten I was here? He looked wrecked. His posture screamed that something was wrong with him, and I swore I could feel his inner turmoil. Had he fallen out with Maria? If so, would that move up his schedule with me? I shuddered.

He finally turned to look at me, and his eyes were filled with such hate I felt as if he'd burnt me. Maybe he had argued with Maria because of me. He'd hadn't been looking at me like that when he left, so maybe she'd said something to him about me. Whatever it was, it was clear that I was at least partly responsible for his bad mood.

I couldn't think of anything about me that would upset Maria though. After all, she'd picked me out herself, and had me sent down here as a gift. That had been very clear from the start. That ruled out jealousy, so what was the problem?

Jasper hissed out a breath, and I realised I was still watching him. As I looked away I saw him doing the same, and raking his hands violently through his messy hair.

My mind turned back to my plans for escape. I couldn't get out of the shackles on my own, Jasper would have to let me out, and I could only think of one way to get him to do that.

If I pretended to be as interested in him as he was in me, he might let me out so we could 'play' properly. Could I do that? I knew it wouldn't take much to seduce him, but I'd have to make it convincing. He'd be able to tell immediately that I wasn't feeling what I should be.

Even if I could do it, there was no guarantee that he would actually let me out. For all I knew, he might have had a thing for chains. Then there was the question of getting away at all. Once we got started, he was unlikely to be away from me long enough for me to make a get away, and he was stronger than me. The difference in our strength wasn't huge, but drinking human blood gave him an advantage over me that I had already seen was enough to beat me. That was without factoring in all his fighting experience.

I realised that I would have a very slim chance of getting away, and was almost certain to fail. And I knew that if I failed, I'd have landed myself in an even worse situation. Jasper would be turned on and angry, not a good combination. He wouldn't stop, that much I was sure of. It wasn't worth the risk.

Time for plan B. Do nothing. Wait it out. Hope for the best. This was the easy option, but it left me feeling hopeless. At least if I had some sort of plan I'd have something to cling to. Now I had nothing.

"Will you get on the bed now?" Jasper growled. I hadn't noticed him leave the room, but he was standing in the bathroom doorway, damp from a shower and wearing a fresh pair of jeans. Nothing else. Was he going to start messing with me again so soon?

I shook my head and stared at the floor, maybe he would get bored and go back to Maria.

"You can either get on the bed, or I'll make you get on the bed. The choice is yours."

I swallowed and looked up at him. He was still a few feet away from me, and his face was completely expressionless. Only his tone of voice told me how serious he was. While I worried over the implications of ending up over there, something clicked. This could be my way out.

"I'll come to bed." I said shakily, belatedly realising that that sounded like I was willing to do more than I really was.

Something flickered in his eyes as he smirked at me. "Good girl."

I breathed slowly, taking in his scent. If I pretended the smell didn't come from him it was actually quite comforting. He still smelled of home.

His fingers brushed against my wrists for a second before he started on the restraints. I had misjudged things. My arm was free, but the cuff was still around my wrist, and he was gripping it tightly as he attached it to a short length of chain.

My panic rose again, but I still had some hope that I'd get a chance to run. He curled the chain around his hand three times, and then pulled his hand, along with mine down to his side while he unlatched the other cuff.

He'd have to get on the floor to release my legs. The second they were undone, I would take my chances. Before he let go of my hand, he looked straight at me, probably looking for some sign that I would submit. I gave it to him, lowering my eyes.

He put his free hand on my hip, and lowered himself fluidly to his knees in front of me. I was almost shaking with nervous anticipation. I quickly calmed myself down, I couldn't risk him suspecting my plans.

Releasing my hip, he brought his other hand behind my back as if he needed to hold onto me to keep steady. Because of the chain, my arm was brought around behind my body. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it would make getting away from him more difficult.

He tilted his head back to look at me again, this time with eyes full of lust. I had no other option but to run from him now. He looked away from my eyes, and for a few seconds I thought he was staring at nothing, then I realised where his gaze was. I jerked my hips back automatically, but his arm around my waist tightened and dragged me to him.

For a second I forgot that I had a free arm, but feeling of his face pressing between my thighs as he inhaled deeply dragged me right out of my stupor. I grabbed his hair and threw him away from me. This didn't turn out quite as well as I'd hoped. The chain that connected us twisted me around and pulled me after him, while my feet were still trapped against the wall, causing me to fall flat on the floor. We lay facing each other, stretched out. I wasn't sure which of us was more shocked by the situation.

"Jesus." He whispered after almost a minute of horrified staring. I relaxed fractionally, until he started to pick himself up. My body debated for a fraction of a second and decided on flight. My mind had nothing to do with the decision, which became clear as I tried desperately to scramble away from him. He still had one of my arms, and both legs were still held immobile. Fight or flight wasn't even a choice. I was stuck.

Jasper stayed completely still, waiting for something. I closed my eyes and waited for him to do whatever he was going to do. I'd given up. There was no way out of this.

The first thing I felt was a soft tug on the chain. I screwed my eyes more tightly closed. He pulled me to sit up, and then I felt him release my ankles without touching me at all. The lack of contact somehow made the waiting worse and the fear more intense.

He picked me up awkwardly, the chain making things difficult, and I remained rigid as he placed me on the bed and brought my hands above my head. The mattress dipped and I could feel his breath on my face he hovered over me. I wanted to scream. And then he was gone.

Was this all a part of the torment? It took me almost two whole seconds to realise that if Jasper was away from me, I was free. I opened my eyes and sat up, or tried to. While I'd been anticipating his attack, he'd secured my other wrist to the chain, and the chain to a bracket in the wall behind the bed. My legs were free, but I was just as trapped as before.

A quick scan of the room showed that Jasper was now sitting in the chair again, watching me and looking pained. How dare he look like that? I was the one that had a reason to be upset. On the plus side, he didn't look like he was in the mood to continue what he'd started.

I turned onto my side, facing him, and pulled my knees up to my chest. For hours I waited for him to do something, or say something, but he remained silent and still, never taking his eyes off me. If it's true, what they say, that the eyes are the window to the soul, then I am very worried about Jaspers. I saw nothing but terrifying anger and heartbreaking pain in his eyes all night.

* * *

_Jasper (twelve days later)_

Maria bounced above me, her head thrown back in ecstasy, and I was tempted to roll my eyes. She was starting to bore me. If Bella didn't get me so worked up all the time I'd probably be avoiding Maria like the plague. But she did what I needed without a fuss, and I was grateful for that at least.

Sick of letting her take control I flipped her over and beneath me, ramming into her with all the force I could muster. She liked that. So did I. Less than a minute later she clenched around my aching cock, finally giving me the release I craved. She wasn't Bella, but she got the job done.

We both stretched out on the satin sheets she insisted on, her breathing still ragged, mine perfectly even now that I'd started again. I wondered if she'd noticed that I didn't breathe when I was with her like this. I didn't want her scent to be yet another reminder that I was balls-deep in the wrong woman.

Eventually she spoke, saying words I'd dreaded for almost a fortnight. "I've seen more of you in the last two weeks than I have in the last six months." She smiled. "Tell me Whitlock, is your pet not living up to your expectations?"

How could I answer that? I didn't have any expectations when it came to Bella. It was true, she wasn't doing what Maria had given her to me for, but I could have had her if I wanted to. And Christ did I want to, I just didn't want her like that. I wanted her to want me too.

Maria knew about the way I played with my women. The way I seduced them. I decided to play safe. "She's not being quite as co-operative as I'd like, but I'm enjoying trying to persuade her. I haven't had a challenge for a while." I said carefully, keeping my voice even. I was well aware of the fact that I would never succeed in convincing Bella to do what I wanted.

"I thought she might be that way." Maria smirked, tracing a finger over a scar on my chest. She knew it well, it was one she'd created after all. "I knew you were getting bored, and she looked like she'd fight you. Not to mention her name. I thought you'd get a kick out of that. I wondered if you'd change your tactics and simply pretend she was your Bella so that you could get back at her in some way."

I stopped breathing again. _My Bella_. Maria knew exactly what had led me back to her, and I knew she would have thanked Bella for it, rather than condemning her. I grew angry thinking about the fact that Maria had given her to me thinking that I would hurt her.

I didn't tell Maria, that this was indeed the Bella that had brought me here. She would become suspicious if she knew I had let her live this long, and that I hadn't even taken her yet.

Maria hated what she called my 'compassion'. She wanted me to be as ruthless as Lucian. I thought of Carlisle, a man who truly knew what compassion meant. He would be appalled by my behaviour and he certainly wouldn't call me compassionate, or even lenient. For the first time in a long time I felt ashamed of who I was, and what I did.

Very few of the people I hurt deserved it. Bella was right, just because they were vampires -and crazy ones at that- didn't mean they should be treated like cattle. In fact, we treated them worse than cattle. The worst thing by far was allowing Lucian to do what he wanted with them, that was beyond wrong, and I'd always known it. I just hadn't realised before that the blame lay partly with me for letting it happen. I didn't want to be this man anymore.

I got dressed and felt Maria get annoyed that I was leaving, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Bella again. I wanted her to see that I wasn't as bad as she thought.

I heard her crying and felt her sadness before I reached the room. If someone had touched her I'd kill them. She flinched violently when the door crashed open, and she became immediately afraid. We'd barely spoken since I'd put her on the bed, and I didn't know what to say to her. Every time I'd spoken to her over the last two weeks had led to me losing control, and every time I did it was harder to stop myself yet again.

I noticed she'd moved herself beneath the covers, and wished I'd thought to cover her before I left. A week ago I tried to sit on the bed and she'd kicked me across the room, so as punishment I'd taken her clothes while she was in the shower. I thought giving her some clean underwear made that ok, but thinking about it now, it was just one more way of hurting her, leaving her exposed and afraid.

It had ended up punishing me as much as her anyway, as I had more trouble controlling myself when she was wearing so little. It wasn't only lust that compelled me to touch her, but the perfection of her skin. She was almost like something otherworldly in her beauty.

The reason I had ended up in Maria's bed today was because of that silky skin. I'd been lying next to her on the bed, just looking at her, and she hadn't objected for once, she'd just closed her eyes, and I felt her run the gamut of emotions from happiness to anger. I didn't try to work out what any of it meant, she was an enigma. Eventually, I hadn't been able to resist touching her stomach, marvelling at the smooth skin. It was so long since I'd felt anything like it.

The contact had upset her at first, but my hands hadn't strayed too far, and she'd eventually relaxed, and almost enjoyed it. That was what spoilt things, without her fear holding me back, I'd given in to my desire and before long I was cupping her breast through the thin lace of her bra.

She hadn't liked that. She'd kicked me off the bed again. Leaving me angry and frustrated, with a painful hard-on that needed to be dealt with.

The room was flooded with her fragrance, a scent that left me almost permanently aroused. She had composed herself quickly, no longer sobbing, and watching the ceiling without any expression on her face, but I could still feel how far from fine she was.

"What's wrong? What's the problem, has something happened?" I couldn't smell anyone but us, but that didn't mean no one had been here, our scents could be overpowering someone else.

She got very angry, very quickly. "What's the problem? You should know what the problem is!" She replied furiously. "I've been trapped in this room, chained up like an animal for almost two weeks. You've physically hurt me more than once, you've played with my emotions in ways that leave me feeling violated and humiliated. I've been sexually assaulted at least once a day."

I tried to interrupt, but a malevolent hiss stopped me in my tracks.

"I know you're going to tell me you stopped every time, but what about before you stopped? Kissing me, stealing my clothes so you can stare at me while I'm half naked, groping at me every chance you get? You think that just because you haven't actually raped me yet it doesn't count? Well it fucking does Jasper."

Yet. She said I hadn't raped her _yet_. She still thought I was going to. "Bella I swear-"

She continued as if she hadn't even heard me.

"You have the nerve to ask me what's wrong." She spat. "_You_ are what's wrong with me. I spend every day frightened that today you'll decide you've played with me enough. Every day I wonder if you'll finally decide not to stop. Then I wonder what you'll do with me once you've had me. I miss my freedom. I hate this place. My life is effectively over. And it's all. Your. Fault."

I was speechless.

"And do you want to know the worst part is? I don't even hate you for it. I can't, because I brought you here. I brought us both to this. And I know you aren't happy here, and I know that my being here is making you worse. I want to help you, but I don't know how I can when I all I want to do is run."

I had never felt this bad in my life. Bella was sobbing again, and terrified. I assumed she was worried I punish her in some way for her outburst.

She wanted to help me, after everything I'd done. She blamed herself for everything that was happening to her. I'd been thinking a lot lately about Bella's part in Alice sending me away, and I'd come to the conclusion that I'd been wrong.

All Bella had actually done, was get a paper cut. That was it. The greater part of the blame lay elsewhere.

Edward should not have overreacted and pushed her into the table, which only made things worse. And he should not have left her. That tore apart the rest of us.

Alice should not have blamed me entirely. She shouldn't have said what she said, and made it ok for me to become this monster.

The family should have intervened. They said they loved me, and they were beginning to love Bella. Why did they let Edward and Alice leave us? Why didn't they try to stop this happening?

And then there was me. I should have found time to hunt before the party. I should have learnt to control myself better. I should have seen Bella as more than a meal. I should have apologised. I should have fought for Alice, and mostly, I should have been strong enough to stop myself from coming back to this life.

I ignored everything I'd done in the last fifteen years, there was too much there that I could never fix. Bella. What had I done to her? I thought of all the times I'd hit her because I was frustrated with myself. I thought of every time I'd broken my own rules and used my gift to make her want me, all without success. I thought of every time I'd filled her with revulsion and fear by touching her where I shouldn't. And I hated myself for it.

I no longer found her fear enjoyable, on the contrary, it was now the only thing keeping me from going too far. I desired her body as much, if not more, than I'd once craved her blood, and my control in this case was worse.

Drinking from humans had given me control, after all, you don't want the things you can have as desperately as you want the things that are out of reach. Was that the only reason I wanted Bella? Because she was unattainable? Whatever the reason was, I had to stop, because I knew I was hurting her in the worst way possible by continuing like this.

Could I possibly make her understand that I didn't mean to do what I was doing? Could she understand?

"Bella." I began, and she flinched again and curled up more tightly. "I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to avoid touching you... inappropriately, again. I can't deny that I want you, but I really am trying not to do anything about it. I don't really understand why I have such trouble controlling myself with you, it's never happened before."

I sighed and sank down on the edge of the bed, not looking at her to ensure that nothing could possibly happen. As the bed dipped fear rocked through her, but she calmed quickly.

"I've been spending a lot of time with Maria lately, I'm sure I don't have to tell you what we've been doing. I would liken it to the way Edward hunted before he spent time with you, but it doesn't seem to be working as well." I couldn't believe I was basically telling her I spent a part of everyday screwing another woman in the hopes that it would stop me from attacking her. It sounded ridiculous even to me, and it was _my_ plan.

She relaxed and felt satisfied. I wondered if she'd suspected that was exactly what I was doing.

"I know that I can't make any excuses for the way I've treated you, but I do hope I can make it up to you in some way. The thing is, the thing of it is... I can't promise it won't happen again. I wish I could, but you are the single biggest temptation I've ever faced."

I felt her slowly uncurling her body and turning onto her side to face me. I sat back against the headboard and finally risked looking at her. My eyes rested immediately on the swell of her breasts peaking out of the blue lace and I looked away quickly and thought of Lucian for a moment to distract myself.

"I'm sorry I took your clothes, that was wrong. To be honest it really hasn't helped me either. You're very nearly irresistible like that, I've damned myself." I shook my head at how stupid I was and she laughed. She actually, genuinely laughed. I liked it. This time, I looked at her face, and into her huge dark eyes. She'd need to eat again soon.

"I'll go and find you something to wear and you can shower and change if you'd like." I offered.

She bit her lip and nodded. I wished she wouldn't, she had very tempting lips. I left the room quickly and headed for the pit. There was a room full of clothes downstairs, it was meant for the newborns to wear when they ruined whatever they'd arrived in, but none of us could ever be bothered to take them to the room, so most of them remained in their rags.

It didn't take long to find an armful of clothes that looked about the right size. Most of them were still in packaging, or on hangers. Maria enjoyed a good 'shopping' spree every once in a while. It amused her to spend the rare cloudy days trying to steal as much as she could without being spotted. There was a rebellious teenager somewhere inside of her.

On my way back to Bella I checked on Lucian. He and I took shifts with the newborns, twenty four hours each, but I liked to check up on him as he was likely to start playing with one of them while the others tore each other apart. By some miracle, he was actually doing his job today. His charges were paired up, and fighting with each other as he directed them to, it was a long while since I'd seen him do this with them, and it was even longer since I'd had the inclination to do it. They were a shambles.

I decided that I'd make more of an effort tomorrow, just in case Maria made some impulsive plans. It would be just like her to decide to take out a coven while our troops were so beyond useless.

When I got back into the room Bella was wary, as if she expected someone else. Then I remembered that she was expecting me, and I felt awful. She was still afraid.

I closed and locked the door carefully, aware of her eyes on me. I didn't ask her if she would behave when I let her out, I could tell by her face that she didn't think she had a chance of escape. That was true enough, she wouldn't get past me.

Once she was free of the chains she rubbed her wrists and ankles. The movement must have been subconscious as I knew the cuffs hadn't hurt her, or even made her uncomfortable. I let her sift through the clothes I brought, but I didn't see what she took into the bathroom with her.

I felt fear and hesitation from her for a moment before she felt resigned and got undressed. Had she decided that I would do whatever I wanted, regardless of her feelings or any precautions she took? I hoped not. I didn't want her to give up. I wanted her to be Bella.

She came out of the bathroom in a black, knee length skirt that swirled around her legs as she moved, and a green short sleeved blouse. For the first time since I'd seen her again, I was reminded that she wasn't just my prisoner, she was a woman too. Knowing that made it easier to see her as a person, and to remember that I couldn't simply take what I wanted from her. It made me want to take her out somewhere instead of trying to get her into bed.

She kept her eyes on the floor until she reached the bed. I watched her as she straightened the covers and lay down on top of them, crossing her wrists above her head. I couldn't feel anything from her. She was broken.

Staring down at the cuffs in my hands I realised I had no desire, and probably no need to use them anymore. It had only taken me two weeks to crush her completely. I had done enough.

I hated to ask, already knowing the answer, but I couldn't do this anymore. "Bella? Would you still like to leave?"

**An: Cliffie, anyone? Please review!**


	5. Chapter Five

**An: Thank you so much for all the reviews, you make writing this worthwhile.**

**Extra special thanks to xteamxjasperx for being a willing ear, racing and showing far too much enthusiasm. :)**

Chapter Five

_Bella_

"Bella? Would you still like to leave?"

Leave? Get away from here? Of course I want to leave. But he didn't mean it, not really. He'd told me only half an hour ago that he wanted me more than anything else. There was no chance he was letting me go. I believed him when he said he was trying not to hurt me, it made sense, but I was sure he wasn't going to give me up completely.

Would he let me leave if he could come with me? Outside, I could get away from him. Away from here, he might even be a different man, I might be able to earn his forgiveness by helping him be the Jasper I knew he was capable of being.

"Come with me Jasper. I still don't want to be alone, and I want to make amends." I offered. I thought that if I could get out of here, and I could fix him, I'd be able to move on. I had already decided to stop looking for the Cullen's, and the only thing still tying me to them was Jasper. I owed him for the loss of his mate, and I would try to repay him.

I sat up and moved to the end of the bed as I waited for him to answer. This little bit of freedom was nice enough, I'd half forgotten what it felt like to move around without being held back.

He stood up and paced the length of the room, scowling. "I can't leave here Bella. This life is all I'm good for, and I don't believe for one minute that you really want me with you."

"I do want you with me." It wasn't even a lie. Not entirely. "And you are worth more than this life. You were a good man once, and you can be again. We can help each other."

He continued his pacing shaking his head and muttering occasionally.

"Think of where we could go. We could go to Canada, it's such a big place we wouldn't ever have to see another person if we didn't want to. Or we could head south and explore the rainforest. We could even go to Europe. Aren't there places you want to see, things you want to do? We could travel the world, being a nomad isn't so bad when you're not alone." I spent a few seconds reliving moments with Garrett and hoping he could feel my enthusiasm. With a bit of luck it would rub off on him.

"Or maybe you don't want to travel. We could settle somewhere, get a house and build a life. My control is good, I could work somewhere and we'd even have money for luxuries. You could still hunt humans, I wouldn't mind." I'd put up with it, but I'd try to convince him to come back to the veggie side again.

"I've started again one too many times Bella. I don't have it in me to try again. This is all there is for me now, and this is all there'll ever be." He said quietly, his eyes watching nothing on the wall.

Hesitantly, I offered my last attempt. "What about Peter and Charlotte. We could join them, that wouldn't really be starting again for you. It would be going back."

His face tightened as he moved to sit back on the bed opposite me. "I wouldn't want them to see me like this. They risked their lives to get me out of this place once, I hope they never find out I've willingly come back. They would be so disappointed in me, so ashamed." His lips trembled as he spoke, and I knew my last hope had failed. I was kind of relieved.

He looked across at me and raised an eyebrow. "Why are you relieved that I don't want to see them?"

Oh God. I wasn't proud of this. It was too embarrassing. I shrugged and hoped he'd drop it if I gave him a little. "I met them last year, and stayed with them for almost a month, but Charlotte and I didn't really get along. We didn't part on the best of terms."

"But Charlotte likes everyone." Jasper frowned, looking at me with suspicion. "The only people I've ever seen her get mad at are- oh the old dog! He never could resist a beautiful woman. You slept with Peter didn't you?" Now he was laughing at me. Great.

There was no denying it, and to be perfectly honest, I much preferred him to be laughing at me than shouting at me. "Erm..." I smiled sheepishly. "Charlotte caught us, and I left while she was dismantling her husband." I would have tried to help him, but I heard her telling him she was going to leave him in pieces for a month this time, so I knew he'd be ok. Eventually. I also figured he regularly strayed from home, and he probably deserved it. He told me they had an open relationship, but it sure didn't look that way when she found us in the kitchen.

Jasper stopped laughing and looked thoughtful, and then mildly irritated. I worried I'd done something wrong already. "What has Peter got that I haven't?" He asked after a moment. "I'm just as attractive as he is, and he has almost as many scars. Why would you sleep with him so readily when you run from me?"

I was tempted to laugh at him for the way he was comparing himself to his friend. What he'd said was true, but there was something in Peter's favour that made him a far more attractive lover in any sane woman's eyes. "Is that a joke?" I choked. "You really can't see why I'd choose him over you?"

His mouth fell open and he started to look angry. I'd obviously offended him.

"You cannot possibly expect me to be lusting after you after everything you've put me through. From the moment I met you again I was your prisoner, and strangely enough, those circumstances aren't the best to begin a new relationship in. Peter made me laugh, he made me feel wanted, and most importantly, he gave me a choice. Something you never have."

He looked properly chastised, and even remorseful.

"Maybe if we had met up again under different circumstances there could have been something between us, maybe I would have wanted you then. But never like this, I could never want someone who hurt me." I explained gently, watching him look more and more upset.

"It's not only that though. You've changed a lot, but once upon a time, in another life, you were my best friend's husband, and you were Edwards's brother. I suppose I still see you that way sometimes."

"I wish it worked that way for me." He sighed. "You are not the same Bella at all."

I could understand that in a way, after all, I wasn't even human anymore.

"You were only a child really when we left, you're a woman now, and you look so different." He explained. "I find myself forgetting sometimes that I ever knew you before all this."

The silence stretched between us, and I wondered if I'd missed my chance of getting out. From the corner of my eye I watched Jasper grab a clean shirt and change. His skin was truly littered with scars, and it was a constant reminder of what he did with his time now.

I felt a lot of guilt when I saw those scars. Part of it was because I'd brought him back to this place that clearly hurt him so much, and part of it was because of the damage he was inflicting on others because of me. If I hadn't been so careless on my birthday, he'd still be hunting animals. How many people had I killed with a single paper cut? How could I ever hope to atone for that?

If I stayed here willingly, would I be able to help him? Could I change him? I know myself well enough to know that if he does let me leave, I'll never be able to stop thinking about him here, living like this, hurting himself and everyone around him. It would eat away at me. I'd just end up coming back.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked finally.

He stared at me intensely for a few seconds. "No."

"And if I stayed, would you lock me up again?"

I watched his face with interest. Surprise, confusion, hope and curiosity were all clearly displayed before he answered. "No."

I took a deep breath and composed myself, not quite able to believe what I was about to say. "Then I'd like to stay with you, provided you agree to some ground rules."

He nodded slowly, and turned around to face me.

"Firstly, I don't want you to touch me at all, in any way. I've noticed that you can't do it without going too far, so it's hands off altogether, ok?" This was my most important rule. Regardless of the guilt I'd feel for leaving, there was no way I was sticking around to be pawed at whenever he felt like it.

I saw a flash of disappointment, quickly smothered by shame as he agreed. "Of course."

"Thank you." I hoped he couldn't feel quite how relieved that made me. "I don't think we should talk about anything that might make you angry either, that's something else that seems to make you less able to control yourself."

He agreed more readily to this suggestion, and I relaxed further. He really didn't want to hurt me.

"Promise me you'll never use the cuffs on me again?"

He sat back, crossed his legs and pulled a pillow onto his lap to rest his elbows on. "Never." He agreed.

I didn't think he'd agree to this next one, but I wanted to try it. "I'd like to be able to hunt for myself."

He didn't answer, but I could tell he was thinking about it.

"Please Jasper, you said you'd let me go, surely you can cope with the idea of me going out to hunt for a while."

"It's not that, it's just that it isn't safe out there. I'll agree that you can hunt for yourself, but only when I'm with you. Our soldiers go out to hunt, and they will attack anything, and anyone that gets in their way. There's also the fact that we get scouts from rival covens passing through from time to time, and they're always happy to pick off anyone they find alone."

That wasn't too bad. As long as I got out of here occasionally I might actually be able to hold it together for long enough to help him.

"Ok, the last thing I want, is to learn to fight. I'd like you to teach me to defend myself, just in case." I didn't tell him that I would be learning to defend myself from him, more than anyone else. Though I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, I also knew that that wouldn't actually stop him from doing it.

He smirked. "I thought I wasn't allowed to touch you in any way? We'd have to get pretty damn close if I were to teach you how to fight."

Shit. I hadn't thought of that. There wasn't really a way around it that I could see either. "Well we'll just have to keep the contact to a minimum until you get over your little crush."

"I don't have a crush on you." He said petulantly.

"No, Jasper, of course you don't." I smiled my most patronising smile, and he scowled.

"I don't. I just want to fuck you." Well that was blunt. "Are you done? I have a few rules of my own."

I had a feeling I wouldn't like his rules, but decided I didn't have much of a choice.

"No leaving the house unaccompanied, it's not safe enough. You don't go down to the pit. Ever. And you don't tell Maria who you really are. She wouldn't understand why I'm keeping you around if she knew you were the Bella from Forks."

Well I'd be leaving on my own if I wanted to, I'd just have to make sure he didn't find out about it. The other two requests were easy to agree to. I hoped I never saw the pit again, and I had no intentions of talking to Maria at all, so I certainly wouldn't let anything slip there. I wondered how much Jasper had told her about what had happened in his life between leaving her so many decades ago and coming back.

"Ok." I said when I realised he was still waiting for an answer. An uneasy truce was formed between us.

"Why are you doing this, Bella? What could possibly motivate you to stay with me?" Jasper sighed, slumping back.

I had no idea how to respond. All I had was the truth. "I want to help you." _And everyone you hurt_ I added silently.

He stared at me incredulously. "Help me what? You want to do what I do? You can't mean you want to work for Maria."

I shuddered at the thought. "No, I want to help _you_. I want to help you be better. This place is killing you, I can see it in your eyes. I'm hoping I can either make it more bearable or convince you to leave. And I'll keep hoping until we're out of here. I'm very stubborn." I smiled. I didn't want to offend him now by telling him I was going to try to make him less of a heartless bastard too, that might have pushed him too far for tonight, and we'd agreed to stay away from things that might anger him.

He was quiet for a while, and I assumed he was thinking over what I'd said, and the best way to tell me I'd never succeed in my plans. He must not have come up with a very good response as he didn't say anything for almost an hour. I started to get uncomfortable.

"Talk to me."

I jumped a little, his voice seeming loud after the prolonged silence. "What about?"

"You said you had good control, that you could work. How is that? How have you learnt to control yourself?"

I had not expected that. "When I was first changed, I remembered Edward telling me about Carlisle. The way he so desperately tried to resist human blood, and how he eventually turned to animals. I thought that if Carlisle could do it all alone, without help or guidance, so could I. And I did."

"How many times have you slipped?"

"Wow, I love your confidence in me." I snapped. How dare he think that I wasn't capable of controlling myself? "I have never tasted human blood Jasper, not once."

He raised one eyebrow. I knew he didn't believe me. "Tell me about your newborn year then." He said. "You told me you read the note, from Jacob when you woke up. What happened then?"

Sifting through fourteen years of memories, I came to the ones I wanted. The ones I both loved, and hated to remember. It had been a very long time since I'd told this story, and even longer since it had actually happened.

* * *

_Jasper_

Her eyes closed and she lay down on her back, stealing the pillow I'd been leaning on. Her emotions went haywire. She was reluctant to tell me. I was about to threaten her, as I had before, but I remembered she wasn't a prisoner now. I could still threaten her, I could even follow through with the threats, but it would wreck whatever little ground I'd made tonight. And I wanted to keep that, and build on it if possible. I was still having trouble believing she was willing to stay with me at all.

I sat quietly, and waited for her to decide on her own. It took her almost half an hour for her to start talking, and my patience had almost run out.

"After I read the note, I went into the kitchen and cleaned up as well as I could. All the utilities had been turned off, but there was a little water left, just enough to get rid of most of the blood and dirt. When I'd done what I could, I went up to Edward's room. It was empty of everything but the couch, so I sat down and waited."

"For the first day and night, I expected someone to come for me, but they didn't. I didn't think Jacob could possibly have meant that note to be the last thing between us. When no one came after the second day, I started to realize that no one _would_ be coming. I wanted to go home, but then I started to remember everything Edward had told me about the thirst, and then I felt it for the first time. A low burn in my throat. I didn't dare leave the house in case I came across a human and couldn't control myself."

"For the next week, the burn became worse and worse, and I knew I'd have to hunt. I was terrified. It took me seventeen hours to make my way across the yard to the edge of the woods. I was so very cautious; after every step I listened carefully, scented the air and waited. Always afraid I'd attack someone. There was also a problem with the actual hunting. I didn't know how to find prey, or catch them. I wasn't even sure how to drink from them, or if there were any animals that were inedible."

She shuddered and gripped the pillow tightly. I could feel her reliving all these moments as she told me about them. I sent her some calm and she gave me a brief, thankful glance that made me far happier than it should.

"Of course the moment I smelled it, none of that mattered. I didn't even know I'd started running until I'd grabbed the deer, and then my instincts took over, and I drained it. I found more, and glutted myself on them until I was completely sated. I was horrified, and I hated what I'd done, and the monster I'd become. I buried the carcasses and returned to the house, only stopping to wash off in the river."

"Wait, are you saying you went more than a week after the change without hunting?" I was almost sure that it would have been impossible for her to resist for that long.

"Yes." She said quietly. "I didn't know that was unusual at the time, but I talked it over with Garrett once, and he told me about how newborns usually function. I have always had better control than I should, even from the beginning. The desire for blood just doesn't seem to be as strong in me as it is in others. Like Carlisle, I even find it relatively easy to resist freshly spilt blood now."

She shrugged as if this was nothing particularly special, and I let it go, despite the fact that I was amazed by it. Talking with Carlisle had taught me that it took him many decades to have the sort of control Bella was talking about now, and he was something special. If Bella was telling the truth she was truly an anomaly in the world of vampires.

"What happened after that?" I asked eager to hear more of her story.

"I was utterly lost. I didn't know what to do, so I spent the next three days sitting in Edwards's room again, practicing moving slowly. That was when Sam came for the first time. He was the Alpha of the pack, and he came in his wolf form, to check up on me, I suppose. I heard him moving in the woods, and saw him come up to the porch. He had a letter in his mouth and I ran down to meet him."

"I didn't really understand his reluctance to come near me, or why he backed away so fast. And when he ran, I didn't go after him. Part of me was relieved, but he smelled so awful that I knew I wouldn't attack him, so the other part of me was hurt that he'd left. I found the letter by the door."

She was giving off an awful lot of sadness and guilt now, so much so that my attempts to calm her weren't working at all. "You don't have to tell me anymore tonight Bella." I said, despite the fact that I was horribly curious.

She shook her head and took a few steadying breaths, getting her emotions under control without my help.

"The first part of the letter explained that the wolves had faked my death immediately after they'd left me at the house. A motorcycle accident." She laughed harshly. "It was fitting. It also said I should stay out of town to avoid someone I knew seeing me. My funeral had already been held, and Charlie was doing ok. I was so angry with them, they had taken my life away, and there was nothing I could do about it. Later, when I was calmer, I understood why they'd done it, and that it was for the best."

"The next part of the letter told me about the battle. I had been very curious about what I'd missed, and I wanted to know if everyone was ok. All of Victoria's army had been killed, but so had three of the wolves. Including my little Seth."

She choked on her words and curled up in a ball. I wanted so badly to hold her, but her rules prevented me from touching her, so I did what I could with my gift while I tried to work out who Seth was.

She'd mentioned him before, when she'd told me he had come to look after her so Jacob could fight. His death obviously hurt her more than anything else had so far, so I decided it was best not to ask her more about him right now. I could save my questions for later.

I waited patiently for her to collect herself again, and was surprised at how quickly she managed to do it.

"The end of the letter told me that I was being watched, and that the wolves would do their best to keep me from harming humans without hurting me, but that they would dispose of me if it became necessary. Sometimes I was tempted to make it necessary. I didn't want to live."

Her voice was flat now, no expression getting through. I wondered how she had found the strength to carry on when she'd lost everything all at once, and become a monster too.

"I decided, that if I waited long enough, you would all come back, and I could really be a part of the family. Even if Edward still didn't think I was good enough, at least I wouldn't be alone."

"I grieved for the friends that had died, and for the ones that were lost to me even though they lived. I hunted every few days and practiced running and climbing and jumping in the yard. I learnt to act like a human in the house. I wanted to be ready when you came back. I wanted Carlisle to be proud of me."

"He would have been." I offered and was rewarded with another small, sad smile.

"Two weeks from his first visit, Sam arrived again. This time, I didn't try to get close to him, and I waited inside until he'd moved back from the house. He'd left a letter again, this time asking if it was safe for him to speak to me. I wasn't sure, and I told him as much. I didn't know if he would still smell as unappetizing in human form. I asked him to stay well back from me, and to be ready to run."

"I turned my back on him, letting him phase and get dressed. I could actually hear every muscle shrinking and changing as his bones shifted. It was disgusting, and then he called my name. It nearly undid me. I'd almost forgotten what it sounded like to hear a human voice. I turned around slowly, and sat down, anything that would slow me down if I couldn't control myself."

"He still smelled the same, and my senses rebelled against it. My body screamed at me to fight, but I knew in my mind that I didn't need to. It got easier. He sat down across from me, there were only twenty feet between us. He asked me if I was ok, and I hadn't expected him to be kind. I thought he had come to tell me to leave the area. I didn't hold anything back, he listened for hours while I told him how much I hated this, how much I missed everyone. He didn't say a word, until I asked about Jake."

"He was so angry he almost phased. Jake had run away, and he'd broken ranks, Sam had no control over him anymore, but he could still share his mind. He told me Jake wasn't coming back, and how disappointed in him he was. We talked about the wolves that had died fighting, and how the others were coping with the loss. He eased my guilt a little, but nothing will ever erase it completely."

"He told me he knew how hard I was trying, and asked if there was anything he could do to make it easier. All I wanted was for him to do his best to keep any humans from coming too close. He promised he'd do everything in his power, and he promised he'd come back. A week later, I saw him again, he didn't even start out as a wolf. His wife, Emily had sent me a box with some clothes, and shampoo, a hair brush, things Sam wouldn't have thought of. He came right into the house and turned the water back on, and he stayed to talk to me again."

"He told me Emily wanted to see me, and asked if I was willing to allow her to come. I said no. He didn't know how strong the pull for blood was, and at that point, I'd never caught the scent of a normal human. I didn't know how I would react, so I refused. Sam was thankful that I'd been honest with him, I think that was when he started to trust me. Emily and I started writing letters to keep in touch." She giggled, feeling nostalgic, and I didn't have to wonder why for long.

"Sam brought me paper and pens, I crushed three pens to dust before he took over and wrote for me. He understood what it was like to be unable to control my strength, even though he was never anywhere near as strong as me. It was nice to have him around, I looked forward to his visits every week. At first he was obviously only there to check I was behaving, or because Emily wanted me to have someone to talk to, but after a while, he was just a friend. He told me about problems with the pack, even asked me for advice. I felt like a person again, instead of simply monster to be watched warily."

I could tell from her feelings that Emily, and especially Sam, had meant a lot to her, and that she still missed them. It was hard to imagine a newborn vampire and werewolf sitting side by side discussing their problems. It was almost laughable.

"Jacob was still refusing to come home, but Sam kept me informed of his whereabouts and how he was doing. He checked on Charlie for me too. He was sad, but doing ok, he and a woman from the Rez were helping each other with their grief. She had lost a child too."

She sighed quietly and struggled with her emotions again for a while. I had only glimpsed the pain inside her, and I knew there was far, far more buried deep where I couldn't reach it. It made me wonder again how she had found the will to carry on.

"Until I was two months old, I spent most of my time trying not to think. It was easier that way. I looked forward to Sam's visits, as they were only good thing I had left. And I coped as well as I could with what I was. Things were going well."

"Then one day Embry ran out of the woods, he was another member of the pack. I could tell he was afraid of me, but still, he came to me, as a human, because Sam had ordered him to. He told me that there were three Vampires in the area, heading towards me. Sam wanted to know what I wanted him to do. I had hoped it was you, and asked the wolves to back off and allow me to deal with it. Sam trusted my judgment, and told Embry to do as I asked, so as soon as I told him what I wanted, he left."

"Five minutes later, they came out of the trees, gliding across the ground with more inhuman grace than I'd ever seen. The one in the lead was a young girl, she only looked about fourteen, and she wore a cloak which was almost black. The men to either side of her were huge and dark with pale olive skin, their cloaks were lighter. All of their eyes were red."

Why had they been there? What had they done? And most strangely, why was Bella still alive? They should have killed her as soon as they realized she was a newborn living alone. They never let newborns live unless they were being carefully controlled by someone.

"The Volturi." I whispered. It was a name that invoked terror and awe for us, one recognized and feared by all vampires.

Amazingly, Bella smiled.

**An: So what do you think? I'd especially like to know what you think about Bella's decision to stay. Please review...**


	6. Chapter Six

**An: Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. I'm amazed by the differences in opinion you all have particularly about Bella. I love every review, yes, even the critisism, you help me mould the story.**

**Thanks as always to xteamxjasperx for everything :)**

Chapter Six

_Bella_

"The Volturi." He whispered. I thought of Felix and smiled. Then I remembered the look on Jane's face when she'd tried to use her gift and full on laughed.

I felt Jasper trying to calm me down, and saw how worried he looked. "Sorry." I mumbled, sobering quickly. "I'll explain in a minute."

I took a moment to calm down and focus on the story instead of giggling about it. "So, in front of me stood three vampires that clearly drank from humans, and in my experience, that meant they wanted to hurt me. I forgot for a moment that I didn't have any blood for them to drink."

Jasper was still watching me like I'd lost my mind. I wondered if he'd had a run in with the Volturi at some point.

"The little one introduced herself first." I let myself slip right back into the memory.

I'd crouched, automatically defensive, but I straightened up when I remembered that I wasn't as vulnerable anymore.

The tiny girl with short light brown hair stepped forward. "We wish to speak with the head of your coven." She said with authority that seemed strange coming from a child. "We're under orders from Aro of the Volturi."

The name Aro had sounded familiar, but I had no idea who they were or how they would react to the fact that the Cullen's weren't there. I caught the fact that they thought I was a part of the coven, and decided to go with that.

"I'm Bella Cullen." I smiled and held out my hand. "I'm afraid you've had a wasted trip, the rest of the family are away travelling." The girl didn't take my hand, but one of the men that had been silent before stepped around her to kiss my hand.

"How could they leave a beautiful creature like you behind, eh Bella?" He purred, smiling cheekily. I liked him immediately. "Felix of the Volturi, at your service. This little spitfire is Jane, and that miserable man back there is Demetri."

Demetri came forward, elbowed Felix out of the way and bowed. I felt like I'd stepped into a movie. I'd invited them into the house, forgetting the lack of furniture. When they noticed it I claimed that I was leaving soon, and all the furniture had already been shipped to Canada. They didn't question me further about it.

It had turned out that they were in Forks to check up on the situation with the all the recent vampire activity in the area. I claimed I knew nothing about it, and again, they seemed to believe me. I didn't understand why they'd turned up two months too late.

Felix started telling me about his life with the guard, while Demetri went outside to think. I was told about his gift, and the way he could track people. He was looking for Carlisle. Jane watched us talking from the corner of the room. It was obvious she didn't like me.

"I believe he's in Alaska with some of his coven." Demetri told Jane when he came back in. "Do you believe there is a need to confirm events with him?"

I watched Jane shake her head and focus on me again. She frowned as if she was unable to understand something about me. "What. Are. You. Doing?" She growled after a few minutes of the staring.

"Talking." Was I not supposed to talk to Felix? I didn't understand how she could be so angry. "What's wrong?"

"You should be on the floor screaming." She'd snapped. Felix looked stricken, and even Demetri seemed upset by something.

I was baffled. "I should?" Demetri quietly explained Jane's power to me. I was horrified to learn that some vampires had gifts like that.

Half a second later Felix did what Jane had said, he was flat on his back snarling and moaning like he was in terrible pain.

"Enough." Demetri snapped. Felix got up gasping, and glaring at Jane. "Stop being a brat. It's clear she's a shield. I can't get a trace from her and she's in the same room. Why were you attacking her anyway?"

Jane shrugged and continued to glare at me. I knew she was trying again. After a while, I noticed I could feel something, almost tickling at me, but it was nothing that could have caused me to react the way Felix had.

After that, Demetri's interest in me grew. "Can you project?"

Of course I'd had no idea what he was talking about, so I'd just shaken my head.

"How do you feel about a trip to Italy?" Felix had asked, linking his arm through mine, apparently recovered. "I'm sure your coven wouldn't object to a holiday, would they?"

I'd thought about my lonely life, only made bearable by Sam's visits and was tempted to agree, but then I thought about their eyes again. I couldn't possibly live like they did. And there was no way I could travel around humans yet anyway.

"My control isn't at its best right now." I'd half lied. "Perhaps at some point in the future."

Jane sneered at me. Felix looked disappointed. Demetri only smiled. "We'll hold you to that, Aro is sure to want to meet you when he hears you thwarted Jane. No one has ever managed to do that before."

"You're quite sure we can't change your mind?" Felix had grinned. "Volterra is very beautiful, I could show it to you. I know all the best places to take a woman such as yourself." As tempting as his offer was, I hadn't given in, and they'd left shortly after, promising to see me again at some point in the future.

I stopped daydreaming long enough to finish telling Jasper the story of their visit. He looked more and more surprised with every passing second. I waited for him to compose himself and ask the questions I could see burning in his eyes.

"How did they not know you were a newborn? At two months your eyes should still have been fairly bright red. Your extra strength should have been obvious and you should have had trouble refraining from attacking them." Jasper's frown was deep, he looked almost disappointed in me.

"As I said, I'd been practising controlling my movements and strength almost from the moment I was changed. Edward explained to me how difficult it was to act like a human, so I thought it was something I should devote a lot of time to. Sam brought me a tennis ball and a racket; he said bouncing the ball would be good practise. He was right. It took me a while to hit it as gently as a human would, but it got easy fairly quickly." It had got boring too. I thought of all the things Sam had brought to the house to help me. Jenga was the best of his ideas.

Jasper shook his head. "Your eyes though, how did you disguise them?"

"I didn't. Up until shortly after they left, I hadn't actually looked in a mirror, so I assumed my eyes were gold, like yours had been. I'd only seen my reflection fleetingly in the river. The next day, I got curious and found a mirror still in Emmett and Rosalie's room. My new look was a shock, I can tell you that much. I didn't like it at first. I looked like I'd been airbrushed really, and my eyes were a dull orange." I smiled then. "I did like my hair though, it's longer and a little more red than it used to be."

Jasper raised an eyebrow. "You turned into a vampire and it took you two months to look in a mirror?"

"I never was never very vain." I laughed. "And before you ask, yes my eyes were orangey, I think it was because I didn't hunt as often as most newborns, and because I only ate animals, right from the start."

He nodded, looking thoughtful and I stayed quiet to let him process everything I'd told him so far.

"Go on." He said quietly. "Did they come back for you?"

"Not really." I grinned. "I did see Felix again though, but that comes later." I was starting to enjoy this story telling. Jasper's reactions were priceless. He looked like he didn't believe, or couldn't understand much of what I'd said. And he'd actually pouted just then when he realised I wasn't going to tell him about Felix until later.

"Again things were quiet for a while, until I caught scent of my first human. I was hunting a few miles from the house when I was five months old. It was a miracle really it had taken me that long to come across a human scent. Of course it was delicious, the most appealing thing I'd ever smelled, and I thought my throat might be burnt out if I didn't find it and drink it. I got close enough to see that it was a young family hiking, and then I did the only thing I could, and ran in the opposite direction. It was hard, the most difficult thing I've ever done, all the way back to the house I was fighting not to go back and drink from them."

"I'd never felt so appalled by anything as I was by my desire to kill them. When I got back to the house, Sam was waiting for me. I told him what had happened, and I expected him to kill me for it. I was a danger to humans, and I hadn't forgotten his promise. Instead of killing me, he told me how proud he was that I'd resisted. That didn't matter to me though, what bothered me was the fact that I'd wanted them in the first place. I didn't go out to hunt again that week, until Sam came over again and persuaded me to go out."

"I don't understand how you could resist." Jasper interjected. "Especially if you got close enough to see them."

"I told you, the pull for blood just isn't as strong for me. I don't know why, but that's just the way it is. I came across humans more often after that, and every time it was easier to resist them. I grew more confident in my ability to control myself, and at the same time, I realised my strength was waning. I couldn't run as fast, or jump as far. I thought I was somehow dying, and I was happy in a way, knowing I wouldn't have to live that lonely existence forever, and that I would no longer pose a threat. It was the one thing I kept from Sam. I didn't want him to worry. But then my strength levelled out."

"Eleven months after my change Sam told me he was bringing Emily to see me. This time, I agreed and went out to hunt, to fill myself as much as I could before she arrived. It was difficult, but not as hard as I'd expected. She stayed with me for a few hours and told me everything that had happened since I'd last seen her, all the little things Sam never mentioned. I was enthralled. She even hugged me before she left."

For me, the visit had been a mark of how much Sam believed in me, and it had finally made me believe in myself completely. I'd run out of reasons to stay hidden in the Cullen house.

"A week later I told Sam I was leaving. He was upset, but he understood the need to find my own kind, to find all of you. He took me to see where Seth was buried and then we went to see Charlie. It was strange, he didn't look like my admittedly blurred memories. He seemed decades older, instead of just a year, but I saw him smiling. He and Sue were trying to make a go of things and it looked like she was taking good care of him. There was nothing holding me back."

"The hardest part was saying goodbye to Sam and Emily. Sam had been my only friend for a year, and I'd only just got Emily back, but they weren't enough. I craved company all the time, so I left. I remembered what Demetri had said about Carlisle being in Alaska. I also knew that that was where Tanya's clan lived, so that was where I headed. I thought that even if I had missed you, the other vampires would know where you had gone."

"I never reached Denali. I detoured in Anchorage to pick up some fresh clothes, and bumped into Irina, as soon as we'd had the most basic of introductions she described Laurent to me and asked if I'd seen him. Without waiting for an answer she told me he was her mate, and that he'd been missing for well over a year."

The worst conversation of my life had followed. Jasper already looked sympathetic.

"You said you weren't welcome there." He muttered. "She blamed you for his death."

"I told her exactly what had happened, and I think she was tempted to fight me there and then, but I asked about the Cullen's. She told me I'd missed them by months, and that they were lucky to be away from me. She also said that if she saw me in Alaska again, she wouldn't hesitate to take me down. I respected what she said and made my way back into Canada."

"You never went back?" He asked after a minute passed in silence.

"No, I didn't dare, and to be honest, it thought it was only fair to respect her wishes." I explained. I watched him again, thinking things over. He was still curious and he wanted to hear more, but I hoped he wouldn't ask me now. I felt drained after pouring out so much.

"I have one question before we hunt, but you don't have to answer it." He said carefully. I barely acknowledged him, all I could think about was getting out into the fresh air. "Who was Seth?"

The old ache kicked into life again, but this was a different type of pain. "Seth was the youngest wolf in the pack and he died saving my life."

"He means more to you than that." Jasper prompted. I despised his ability just then.

"His dad died just when he'd learnt he was one of the wolves. His mother was buried in her own grief, and his sister was, well, a self absorbed bitch. He worshiped Jacob, so he came to spend a lot of time with us. He was like my little brother, and I always tried to look out for him. The other wolves used to tease him and say I mothered him, but he needed it. He didn't really have anyone to talk to outside of the wolves, and I became the person for him to confide in. Sometimes he just needed a hug. Jake and I played Mom and Dad to him I suppose. After I moved to La Push, he had dinner with us every night, did his homework, and then went home. He was family, and he didn't deserve what happened to him."

* * *

_Jasper_

I was beginning to regret asking her. She felt his loss like a mother would their own child, it was almost physically painful to me, and I knew that it would be more so to her. It was also clear though, that though it upset her, she'd made her peace with it. She accepted that he was gone, and she accepted the guilt she felt over his death.

"It's not your fault."

"Not entirely, no." She said quietly, sitting up and smoothing out her skirt. "He was just a child playing at superheroes, only it wasn't a game, and he ended up dying to save my life."

I knew there was little point in me arguing with her. And there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. But I could distract her.

I forced a wave of enthusiasm at her and stood up. "Ready for dinner?" I smiled, holding out my hand. She looked at it warily and stood without my help. I dropped my hand feeling wounded. Then I felt stupid for getting upset that she wouldn't take my hand. She didn't even trust me to touch my hand to hers, I'd really done a number on her.

As she followed me through the house, and out into the street she started to feel better. Her anticipation was strong, which was unsurprising for two reasons. One, she hadn't been out of the house for two weeks, and two, all she'd had to eat in the last fortnight was that cat, which wasn't nearly enough.

She stayed close to me outside, scanning her surroundings, and I wondered how much of this she'd had time to see before she'd been dragged down into the bowels of the house. Not much, from the look of things. She was completely confused by what she was seeing.

There was nothing but open ground for miles around. The house was perfectly situated for us to be able to see all around at all times, making a surprise attack almost impossible. It was also perfect for hunting. Running for five minutes either north or east would bring us to a town. Or in Bella's case, running south would take us out to farms where she would be able to find something easily.

"Who first?" She asked once she'd got comfortable with the area.

"First for what?"

"You said I can't hunt alone, so one of us has to go first unless you know of somewhere we can get animals and humans." She didn't seem to be the least bit bothered by talking about hunting humans, but I could tell it made her uncomfortable.

"You." I said eventually. "You need it more." The truth was, the idea of taking Bella with me while I preyed on humans appalled me. I didn't want her to see me doing that. I decided I'd come back alone later to feed. "We'll head south."

She took off running, not going as fast as I was sure she could. I kept up easily, and then pushed in front of her, wanting to see how fast she could go. She caught up easily, enjoying her freedom. Then she surprised me by pulling ahead of me again. I pushed myself to the limit to keep up, and again she pulled ahead. She was as fast as Edward had been, maybe more so. Clearly drinking from animals didn't affect speed quite as much as it did strength.

I stopped running and watched her go. I could see the closest farm from here, and I was wondering if she'd go for it, or if she'd run. She'd just proven she could get away from me if she wanted to. Out here, she had the advantage. Part of me was screaming to go after her, so that I could make sure she didn't leave, but another part of me wanted to give her one last chance to make an escape. I didn't want to force her to stay anymore, and I was giving her the perfect chance to get away.

In the distance I saw her realise she was alone, stop and look back at me. She stood watching me for a moment, and I decided she was weighing up her chances of getting away from me. Then she surprised me by running back instead of away.

"Is something wrong?" She was concerned.

I shook my head, relieved beyond what I should have been that she hadn't run. "I was giving you a chance to leave."

"Idiot." She muttered. "I told you I'm staying, so I'll stay. Are you coming?"

I followed with no hesitation this time. We found a field of sleeping cows, and Bella was oddly reluctant to feed. I watched with fascination as she moved silently between them until she settled on one. It was clearly the oldest and weakest in the herd. She was doing what I did, choosing the victim that would care the least. I couldn't believe she cared enough to worry about that with animals though. She ate with the minimum of fuss, breaking the animals neck before she sunk her teeth in, and returned to me without a speck of blood on her. The scent of blood, while not particularly appetising was making me thirsty.

"It's not that bad Jasper." She prompted, smiling. "Why don't you just take one this time so we can get back."

Well that was ridiculous, there was no chance she was eager to get back. I knew she was working on me already. Trying to change me. It would be nice not to have to search anyone out tonight. Even better not to have to deal with the little bit of guilt that still got to me sometimes if I let myself think about things too much. And it would make her happy. That was the deciding factor in the end. Her opinion mattered, and I wanted her to have a good one of me.

She was enormously pleased when I lifted a young cow to my lips. I hadn't bothered with looking for some old ailing beast, I wasn't going that far, but she was still pleased. Proud too. It was a long while since I'd felt that in relation to me.

The blood was bitter compared to what I was used to, but not repulsive, and it did put out the fire in my throat. Again memories surfaced. Hunting with Emmett had always been an experience. One I missed now I thought about it. I wondered if Bella would be interested in going on a real hunting trip next time. Then I realised I was planning to do this again. I was giving serious thought to foregoing my usual preference, and why? To impress a girl. It was a little pathetic really.

There were more solid reasons to go back to animals, but they weren't the ones that made me want to do it. I wanted to see Bella look at me the way she was doing now again. I wanted to prove myself to her.

Together, we carried the carcasses about a mile away from the farm to bury them. Disposal was at least easier with animals. There was no need to fake some other cause of death as I usually had to. It was refreshing.

Bella was obviously reluctant to go back, so I set off walking. It would take hours at this pace, and we'd have more time to talk. There was still a lot left to her story, and I wanted to hear it. What had happened when she saw Felix again? How long had she stayed with Garrett? Where had she been? Had she ever gone back to Forks? Had she seen Jacob? I couldn't remember ever being this curious.

I thought of the baffling, but obviously deep friendship between her and the wolf. "Do you keep in contact with Sam?"

"We only speak on Christmas Eve." She said quietly, walking just a little closer. "I find a payphone and call him to check in. He tells me how everyone's doing. He and Emily have three children now, a girl and two boys."

She was full of longing and loneliness when she spoke of the family, but she'd felt a small amount of pride when she mentioned the daughter. "Is there something special about the girl?"

She turned a genuine smile on me. "Emily found out she was pregnant just after I left. They called her Bella, after me."

"How's Charlie doing?" I asked this carefully, aware that she probably missed her parents a great deal.

Again her reaction wasn't the one I'd expected. "He married Sue, and as far as I know they're happy." I took stock of her emotions and realised she was fairly detached about this. "I don't remember him very well, or Renee. I know I loved them, but I'm glad I don't have to miss them too much."

"Have you forgotten a lot about your life?" This surprised me. Bella cared deeply about people, and that should have helped her remember.

"No, I remember everything, but the memories feel like they don't really belong to me. It's like watching someone else's life. The last year or so of my human life is clearer, and the important things are clearer still." She shrugged, untroubled by the fact that she'd lost touch with her human life. I expected her to care more.

"Which memories are clearest?" I wondered what she classed as important, if her parents somehow didn't make the list.

"Well there's meeting Edward, the first time he told me he loved me and confronting him about what he is. James's attack. My birthday party. Edward leaving me. A few moments with Jake. Laurent. Victoria. I suppose it's the things that made me what I am." She shuddered slightly when she mentioned her party, and snuck a quick worried glance at me, but other than that she showed no emotion. "It's easier no to remember most things, knowing I can't have them back. I'm glad the memories don't feel like mine."

I could understand that. Sometimes I wished I didn't have such clear memories of being happy with the Cullen's, it was hard to know exactly what I'd lost. I envied her in a way.

"Did you ever see Jacob again?"

She shook her head. "No, I don't even know where he is anymore. Sam stopped phasing after his children were born so that he could age normally with his family, and as he was the only one able to contact Jake, no one knows how he's doing. I expect he'll go home one day, but as far as I know he hasn't returned yet."

That seemed incredibly childish to me. He must have had friends and a family who missed him. Bella had needed him too once, and he'd just run away from everything. If I thought it was stupid of Bella to be looking for the Cullen's after all this time, I thought it was even worse for the wolf to still be running away. I told her what I thought of him and she laughed.

"He was always worried that Edward would come back and take me away from him, and I suppose when he found out I was changing, he thought it was even more likely. He loved me, and I think he thought he wouldn't be able to love me once I was something he hated. Sam told me that eventually, he was staying away because he was too ashamed to come home. I hope he's happy now, wherever he is."

I didn't want to talk about the wolves anymore, and Jacob in particular irritated me though I'd never met him. "Tell me more about the Volturi? Why did they send Felix to you."

She smiled again making me wonder what he had been to her. "They didn't send Felix to me really. He and Demetri convinced the leaders I would be a useful addition to the guard, and Felix offered to find me while he took a 'holiday'."

"When I first noticed someone was following me, I ran. It took him two months to catch up because I kept running until one day I doubled back and caught his scent for the first time. When I realised who'd been following me _I_ went and found _him_."

"It had been more than six months since I'd seen Irina, and I was desperate for someone to talk to, even if it was only about the weather." She smiled widely at me. "And Felix, he almost never shuts up. He could talk the leg off a goat. I didn't like hearing about his work, so he told me about his human life, and about all the places he'd seen since his change. He'd been travelling with me for about a month before he got around to telling me why he was there. Aro had heard about my suspected shield and wanted to offer me a position in the guard."

The thought of Bella as a member of the ruthless Volturi was laughable. I tried to picture her with red eyes, wearing a dark cloak, and it was almost impossible. I'd just seen her get picky about cows, there was no way she could feed from humans and deal out punishments to vampires.

"Of course I refused. I liked Felix, and even Demetri from what I'd seen of him, but I didn't want a part of that way of life. Felix didn't give up. He told me about the castle, the luxurious rooms I would have, the clothes, the parties. He soon worked out that none of that mattered to me. It took him two months to give up, but he didn't leave. Aro had given him six months away from Volterra, so he stayed with me for them. When it was time for him to leave I very nearly changed my mind and went with him."

I wondered how she'd resisted. She obviously craved company, and she seemed to hold Felix in high regard. How could she go back to being alone again so easily? "So why didn't you?"

"Guilt mostly. Even thinking about going to Italy made me feel guilty because I knew what would be expected of me there. Not to mention the fact that I was still determined to find all of you and I had a feeling you wouldn't react well if you ever heard I was part of the Volturi."

I tried to imagine how we would have reacted. Carlisle would have been disappointed. Emmett would probably have been jealous she was getting to fight so much, and Edward, assuming he still loved her, would probably have kidnapped her and taken her back to Forks. We were only half a mile from the house and the sky was lightening. I was meant to be in the pit by dawn to take over from Lucian. As much as I wanted to keep talking, it would have to wait until tomorrow.

We walked quickly back to the room, and Bella became uncomfortable and anxious again. She hated it here, and yet she was staying. I wanted to talk to her more about that too, but again, it would have to wait.

"Help yourself to any of the books, I'll be back tomorrow." I told her, quickly changing my shirt.

"Tomorrow?" She asked, her anxiety rising. "Where are you going?"

"To work."

**An: So, what do you think about the way Bella's past is unravelling? Any favourite parts, or things you hate? Let me know...**


	7. Chapter Seven

**An: Thank you so much for all the reviews, and thanks to xteamxjasperx as always for just basically being awsome.**

Chapter Seven

_Bella_

I stared at the door for about fifteen minutes after he left, trying not to think about what his 'work' would entail. With a mind capable of so much though, it was difficult to shut something out and I couldn't help but see visions of those newborns clawing at each other, or worse, that poor woman that Lucian had destroyed.

I decided to try to 'sleep' for a while, something I hadn't done for weeks. Glancing once more at the door to reassure myself it was closed I got into bed and enjoyed the comfort it brought immediately. It was the first time I'd been in it willingly, and I hadn't realised how comfortable it was until then. I closed my eyes and relaxed, Edwards lullaby playing in my head to help drown out the less pleasant thoughts.

I automatically thought of him first, slipping into my once favourite dream of finding him and the family. For the first time the dream didn't bring me any pleasure, I couldn't even imagine it properly. My realisations about Alice's visions had convinced me I was truly alone in the world, and my dreams agreed. I needed something new. Some new hope to hold on to.

I thought of my plans for Jasper, and pictured him the way he'd once been, with amber eyes and a guarded smile. It was difficult to see, but much easier than conjuring up the images of the old dream.

Slowly, I let the dream evolve. Jasper hunting with me, talking to each other. Him becoming my friend instead of my captor. I watched him start to feel more guilt over what he was doing here, and eventually decide that this wasn't the life for him anymore. I saw him telling Maria good bye, and decided that wasn't the way it would happen so I changed it.

This time I saw us hunting, and me convincing him to run away with me. And I would take his hand and take him somewhere new. We bought a house in a rainy little town somewhere. I imagined the simple pleasure of earning money to fix up our house and make it into a home. We could go to university like I'd always wanted to. The troubled look would fade from Jasper's eyes once he was free of this place, and he'd get back some of his humanity even if I had to drill it into him. Maybe by next Christmas I would be telling Sam I had a friend so he wouldn't have to worry about me being lonely anymore.

Maybe, after enough time had passed, we would be able to find new mates and have a real family again. One day.

I rolled over, the dream making me frustrated as I knew how far off those plans were. It would take a lot more than one cow to get Jasper back to some semblance of his former self. I didn't want to ever delude myself again. This would be hard work, and it would take a long time. I was in this for the long haul.

I'd already wasted more than fourteen years dreaming of things that could never happen and avoiding the truth. I'd missed out on life because I was still clinging to the past, and I was angry at myself for that. If I'd let go of my foolish desires to be reunited with the Cullen's sooner, I might have been able to make a life with Garrett, like a part of me had wanted to. Maybe I could even have had something real with Felix.

I might have enjoyed the last decade exploring the world instead of scouring the states for some sign of a family that were probably on another continent. I tried not to dwell on all the wasted time too much, it would only depress me, and I wanted to enjoy my free time as much as I could.

I made my way over to Jasper's book cases and skimmed the spines to find something to read. I rolled my eyes as I took in his collection. He really did have no life outside of this place. Every book covered some aspect of war or strategy, there was nothing that made me want to read it at all. I was disappointed. And bored.

I scanned the room, even looking under the bed and in the dresser, hoping to find something that would interest me. It was no use trying to find pictures or patterns in the cracks on the walls either, I'd already spent a week doing that.

I thought carefully over Jaspers rules and noticed that they didn't forbid me from wandering the house. He only said that I shouldn't go outside, and I wasn't to go down to the pit. I practically thrummed with anticipation at the thought of getting to wander through the old building without someone dragging me or pushing me along. I had only seen rooms below the house so far, there seemed to almost be a whole house beneath the main house itself, and I'd only travelled below ground level. I wondered what was up above and darted out through the door.

Jasper need never even know I'd been wandering around anyway. I'd just make sure not to bump into anyone while I was up there.

I scented the air to work out which way would lead me up above ground and followed my senses until I came to a worn stone staircase. I must admit, I was a little nervous about what I would find up there, but I knew it couldn't be any worse than what I'd seen below.

I moved slowly upstairs, noticing this wasn't the way Jasper and I had left earlier. There must have been another way in and out that bypassed the house altogether. At the top of the stairs was a crumbling wooden door, which was unlocked and opened easily. The house was almost dark, only the weak morning sun struggling to get through the grimy windows allowed me to see the room I was in.

I was standing in an old kitchen which was filthy and full of cobwebs. An old wood burning stove stood in one corner, and there wasn't even a working sink, which showed me it had been a very long time since the house was inhabited by humans. Maria must have had plumbing and electricity installed only below ground. I wondered if she'd eaten whoever had done it to avoid suspicion, or if she'd found a vampire with the right skills. I might ask Jasper about it when he got back.

Exploring the ground floor of the house I found that the rooms were all pretty much the same, little furniture and plenty of dust. Upstairs was a little different. Two of the bedrooms looked, and smelled like they were occasionally occupied, but they were by no means clean, or even lived in. The last room I checked was a truly brilliant find.

The room had once been a library, shelves lined every inch of the walls and most of them were full of books. Dust covered everything in here too, so I ran back to our room to steal one of Jasper's shirts to clean up with. Back in the library I noticed the dusty stubs of several candles and wished I'd thought to look for Jaspers matches.

Some of the books had been damaged by damp and mould, but most of them were in a remarkably good condition. I'd only cleaned up one bookcase when Jasper's shirt got too full of dust and dirt to be of any use.

I opened the room's only window, sliding it upwards slowly in the crumbling frame. The sun was higher now, and the light bright enough, that with my enhanced vision, I could clearly see the room.

The floor was made of smooth wooden boards, as dirty as everything else, but I was willing to bet they'd clean up well. A huge oriental rug covered much of the floor, but it was too badly damaged by time and wear to make a recovery. That would have to go.

In one corner stood a small antique desk, the sort I had wanted once when I was human. I decided I'd take care to clean it up and bring it back to its former glory. A dried out ink well was still tucked into one corner and papers were strewn over the top, faded to a dull yellow, the writing almost invisible now. I'd save looking over them for when the room was finished.

Finally, I started scanning the shelves of the one moderately clean book case. A first edition of Dracula caught my eye, I'd always meant to read it, and the irony that I was now the true version of the creature of night it described did not escape me.

I took three more books that looked interesting, and I was confident I would be able to hide them from Jasper so he wouldn't know I'd been exploring. I decided I'd sneak back up here whenever Jasper left me alone, and I'd bring something to clean up with too. This room was mine now, no one else seemed to want it anyway.

Making my way back to Jasper's room I opened the first book, skipped the introduction and started reading the prologue. The old fashioned language drew me in immediately, so much so that I stopped focusing on my surroundings. That was a huge mistake.

I crashed into a wall and dropped my books, too busy cursing my own stupidity to catch them as they fell. Only it wasn't a wall at all. It was a huge man, who grinned down at me with a smile I already loathed and feared in equal measure. Red eyes stared down at me as he grabbed my upper arms, under the pretext of steadying me after the collision. I shook him off. "Lucian." I said curtly, stepping around him. We were only a few feet from the door of Jasper's room.

He moved quickly to stand between me and the door. "Good morning Isabella." He drawled. "Where have you been?"

"I went for a look around, not that it's any of your business." I snapped, hoping he wouldn't feel the need to tell Jasper he'd found me here. Just being near him made my skin crawl, I couldn't wait to get away from him. An itch started across the back of my neck and trailed down my spine, my bodies response to the perceived threat.

He raised an eyebrow and ran his gaze down to my feet, then back up again. "I can see he's decided you're much too special to let go of. Has he marked you yet?" He said casually, leaning back against the door I desperately wanted to go through.

"Marked me?" I spluttered. I didn't like the sound of that, marked me how? As far as I was aware, there were only two ways to truly mark a vampire. Neither of them was pleasant. "No."

Lucian's eyes darkened a few shades. "You're sure?" He asked. "You wouldn't be lying to me would you?"

I started to panic. I didn't understand what he meant or why it was important. I didn't know how to answer him safely. I ended up just shaking my head and hoping for the best.

"Fair game." He whispered and lunged at me trapping me against the wall. He smelled like too-sweet honeysuckle and bitter tears. He kissed me, shoving his tongue into my mouth and I bit down on it hard enough to tear into the flesh and taste his venom. I brought my knee up hard between his legs and ducked out under his arms as he stumbled back a step, snarling. And then I was spitting out the taste of his venom as I ran. The pit seemed much further away now than it had before.

I followed the thickening scent of venom further underground as I listened to his footsteps get further away. He couldn't keep up, but that didn't mean I could stop running.

When I reached the door to the pit I didn't stop to think about what was on the other side for a single second. I crashed through the door, slammed it behind me and scanned the room for Jasper. He was standing beside a pair of men who were fighting. Part of my mind took in the fact that this fighting was very different from what I'd seen in the room before. It was controlled, coordinated. All around the lower level of the pit similar fights were taking place, and I realised that this was training rather than the simple violence I'd witnessed before.

I ran through the rows of sparring men and women to Jasper's side and placed myself behind him. Safe.

_

* * *

_

Jasper

As I headed down to the pit I couldn't help but feel a little pleased that Bella had seemed upset that I was leaving. Maybe she was beginning to trust me again, that would make things easier. I couldn't believe I'd taken an animal again, after so many years, and it was all because of her. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be letting her change me.

I was starting to expect things from her. She said she was staying until she could convince me to leave. Well that would never happen, which meant that if she kept her word, she'd be with me forever. I knew she wouldn't keep her word though, she despised this place, and she wasn't too fond of me either. Besides, the word of a woman meant nothing. Alice promised forever once, and she didn't even last a century. I doubted Bella would last a year.

I needed to keep my distance, and not get attached; only it was too late for that. I already liked her too much. I already craved her company. And I was already dreading the day she'd decided it was all too much and leave. My only viable option was to do everything in my power to make her stay with me as bearable as possible. At the very least that would extend the time I had with her.

I reached the pit and found Lucian wasn't working with them today, only watching over them, and they were unusually quiet. They'd been fed. I scanned the room for bodies and found none, which told me Maria had had another delivery. She had no money of her own, which meant she'd used my account again, even though I'd told her not to. That money had come from a different time in my life, and it shouldn't be used for this. I would have to speak to her again.

Lucian swaggered across the room, grinning. "They've been fairly quiet all night, Major." He informed me quietly. "Natalie doesn't have long left though, a few weeks at best."

"Who's Natalie?" I asked. I never paid attention to their names unless they were particularly promising or had a gift of some sort. There were two girls in the room, and I had no idea what either of them was called.

"The little blonde." He smirked. "She's a screamer." He nodded his head in her direction, licked his lips and left the room. I turned my attention on the girl he'd indicated. She was tiny really, smaller than Alice, and I wondered if she'd ever been of any use. Well, I'd soon find out. I was going to work them again today.

"Pair up and spread out!" I ordered, instilling just enough fear in them to make them comply quickly. I took stock of the pairs, rearranging them a little, and making sure the girls were together. I didn't want a training session interrupted by one of the men confusing fighting for fucking again.

I got them started, repeating everything they'd been shown so far and relaxed. I kept them calm, and their repetitive movements kept me calm, leaving me space to think about Bella. She was pretty much on my mind at all times now.

I thought over her rules again. While I didn't like the no touching rule, it was obviously needed. I couldn't touch her without forgetting myself and going too far. Keeping the conversation easy was fine though, as was her asking me not to use the cuffs. I wasn't too sure about teaching her to fight. She shouldn't need to learn while I was around to protect her anyway, and if she didn't want me to touch her, there was no way I would be able to effectively teach her anything.

She said I'd have to get over my crush. Was that what this was? It was true, I felt an undeniably strong sexual attraction to her, and I was beginning to like spending time with her. Was that a crush? If so, how long until I 'got over it' as she suggested? It wasn't likely that I'd walk into the room one morning and decide she wasn't so fuckable anymore.

Fear. I could feel it getting stronger, and it wasn't my own, nor my charges. It belonged to someone outside. The door crashed open and closed again as Bella darted through it. Her eyes flicked once around the room, landed on me, and then she was running to stand behind me. The fear pouring from her lessened dramatically and she started to feel safe. Until I turned to face her, then the fear spiked again.

She stared up at me with wide frightened eyes. She'd broken one of the rules already, and as far as I was concerned that gave me leave to break some more.

I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her onto the upper level with me. "What the fuck are you doing down here Bella? I didn't ask much of you, did I?" I was furious with her. If the newborns hadn't been busy, and under my influence she'd likely have been ripped apart before she reached me.

She cringed away from me and stuttered a garbled reply. "I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking... and Lucian... I just ran."

The only word that really registered was _Lucian_. If he'd touched her I'd rip him up and burn the pieces myself. Now that I was paying attention I could smell him on her, and more importantly I could smell his venom.

"You bit him?" I grinned, forgetting for a moment my anger at either of them.

"I nearly bit his tongue off." She scowled, and then looked instantly wary again. Did she expect me to be mad at her for injuring him? I wasn't mad at her for that in the least, especially as I could only think of one reason for her to bite him in that particular place.

"Tell me exactly what happened." I growled.

I watched her shifting from foot to foot and wringing her hands in a ridiculously human way. "He, well, he asked me if you'd marked me and I said no, so he said I was fair game and tried to kiss me. I bit him, kneed him in the balls and ran to you." She rushed.

"Shit." I should have warned her about that. I should have told her to say I'd bitten her if anyone asked, but I didn't think anyone would ask, so I hadn't bothered. I'd have to do something about making sure she was safe while I was working.

Thinking about her safety led me to thinking about that one moment before I'd turned to glare at her when she'd started to feel safe and relieved after she'd reached me. Despite everything I'd done to her, and the way I'd treated her since her arrival, she'd run to me for help when she felt threatened. I couldn't help but be pleased by that. On the other hand, it was sort of wrong. It showed me exactly how bad life was for her right now if she'd felt her only hope was me. What Lucian had done wasn't exactly very different from anything I'd done to her in the last few weeks, in fact, my actions were actually worse. I had never tried to kiss her though, in my book, a kiss meant something.

I looked back down at Bella and finally released my hold on her. She hadn't calmed down much, and I expected she was still worrying about being in trouble.

On the opposite side of the catwalk Ben and Michelle stood watching us with interest. They were lackeys, for want of a better word. Newborns allowed to live beyond their first year to help out with menial tasks. I knew their names only because they'd been here for years and were occasionally of some use to me.

"Ben, go and find Lucian and tell him I want him in here immediately." I barked orders at them and they obeyed instantly. "Michelle, take Bella back to my room and wait outside for me to come to you. No one enters without my say so."

Bella followed the woman out of the room without protest, and without looking at me. I hated that because of that asshole she was scared of me again. Now I understood why she'd come down here I wasn't mad at all, and I couldn't wait until I could go and tell her that. I hated to see her looking at me like that.

Less than a minute later Lucian strolled into the room, smirk fixed firmly into place. His swagger and expression couldn't hide his true feelings from me though. He was angry, but also a little fearful. And so he should be.

"You wanted to thee me, Major?" He lisped, scowling.

"Yes." I smirked, enjoying the way he had trouble speaking. I stared at him for thirty seconds, slowly letting my anger over him touching what was mine flow through every part of my body. The feeling it brought was something akin to an adrenalin rush experienced by humans. When my hatred for him reached its peak, I took him off guard with a sharp right hook to the jaw. He flew across the room, breaking the catwalk on the other side, but landed on his feet.

I headed towards the door. "I hope you don't mind taking my shift as well as your next one."

"She was not marked." He snarled crossing the room to stand between me and the door. "I had every right to take her. And you have no right to punish me for it. If anyone should be blamed it's her, the little bitch attacked me."

I swung my fist at him again, but he saw it coming this time and ducked. We were fairly evenly matched; a fight between us could last days. It had before. Right now I had more important things to do.

"Marked or not, you knew she was mine. Maria gave her to _me_, not you. You touch what's mine again and you'll find yourself in pieces. I won't warn you again." My jaw was so tight with repressed fury I could barely get the words out, but he heard them, and understood.

"Maria will hear about this." He spat.

I didn't choose to dignify that with a response. Of course he'd go crawling to Maria as soon as he was able. His deference to her was something I well understood. I had been that way once.

I walked back to my rooms slowly, hoping to calm down so that I wouldn't be directing any anger at Bella when it wasn't deserved. When I reached out door I dismissed Michelle, who was feeling very curious, without a word.

Bella was standing in the corner, her arms wrapped around her stomach, looking down at the floor. She was more resigned now than anything.

"Are you ok?"

Her head snapped up as she stared at me with her mouth hanging open.

"You're not in trouble, and I've dealt with Lucian. For now. I'm sorry, I should have spoken with you about marking, but it never crossed my mind that it would come up."

She still had that blank, shocked look on her face, but her emotions were slowly improving.

"But... but I broke a rule." She whispered cautiously.

"Let's call them guidelines shall we?" I smiled as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "It was foolish of you to run in there like that, you could have been seriously hurt, but I understand why you came. If you hadn't run from him you'd probably be in a bad way by now."

"What did he mean? When he asked if I was marked?" She asked after a few minutes of silence had passed.

I doubted she would take the explanation very well. "When we wish to keep a girl for any length of time, we usually bite her. It's a claiming mark to show anyone else who thinks of taking her that she already belongs to someone else. When Maria told me she'd brought me a pet she reminded me to mark you if I wanted to keep you."

"Pet!" She gasped. "I'm no pet! I can't believe you mark them. That's barbaric." Well, she was fairly disgusted, now was probably not the time to bring this up, but as she was already in a bad mood, I saw no harm in trying.

"I should probably mark you Bella." Her eyes flashed at me. "Maria will not like, or understand the fact that I'm keeping you but refuse to mark you. It would also stop Lucian from bothering you too. He puts a lot of stock in our _traditions_, and he will steer clear of you if you wear my bite."

"Wear. Your. _Bite?_" She said slowly, dangerously. "You really have lost your mind if you think I'll agree to that. I'm not some possession you can write your name on so the other children don't take it home. A scar like that is for life, and to be honest, I'd really rather not have any reminders of this place, or this version of you tattooed on my skin forever." She was absolutely furious now, but so was I.

"This version of me? What the hell does that mean? There is only one me."

"This isn't you." She spat. "I have no idea who you really are, but I can see that this is not it. I don't even think the Jasper that lived with the Cullen's was the real you. Do _you_ even have any idea who you are anymore?"

How had this turned into a character study?

"I know exactly who I am Bella. This is me. The only me there is, and if you don't like it, you know what to do." I snapped.

"What? What should I do? If I try to leave you'll change your mind again and decide I should stay. If I fight you, you'll only attack me again. Assuming I did get away, what would there be for me? A thousand life times of wondering if I should have stayed and helped you. And you do need help, Jasper. No matter what you say I won't believe that this is you. I can see it in your eyes."

"You're wrong. I won't stop you again should you choose to leave. I don't need you Bella. I don't need help." I growled. "You know nothing about me."

"I know enough." She whispered. "I know that you can be kind and loving and gentle. I know you can feel guilt and pain just like I can. I know you're struggling not to hurt me right now even though you desperately want to. I know you're just as afraid of being alone again as I am. And I know that this life isn't what you were meant for."

Frightened by how much of what she said felt true I lashed out. "You're just as clueless as ever Bella. Still the same pathetic, weak little girl you always were, only now you come in a more durable package. It's no wonder Edward left you. He could only pretend to be better than he was for you for a while. I won't do that. What you see is what you get and it's not going to get any better, so stop trying."

I opened the bathroom door, intent on getting away from her for a while, but couldn't resist one parting shot. "You mean nothing to me Bella. If you push me hard enough, I'll take what I want from you and hand you off to Lucian like the trash you are."

I shut the door behind me and listened to the silence, letting her fear and pain wash over me.

I'd hurt her again, only I'd done it in a whole new way. I turned the water as hot as it would go and stepped under the spray. How had things turned out so badly again? Why did I keep doing this? We were just starting to get along, and I'd ruined everything. Again.

No, it wasn't only my fault. If she hadn't started spouting all that rubbish about not being myself I never would have said things. I didn't mean to hurt her. What right did she have to judge me? I wasn't pretending. None of this is an act. I'm just living. I may not be the man she knew in Forks, and I'm certainly not the man I was before Maria changed me. Nor am I the soldier I was the first time I worked with her...

Maybe she has a point.

_Who the hell am I?_

**An: Pretty pretty please let em know what you think. Free cookies to all who do :)**


	8. Chapter Eight

**An: I'm really sorry that I've left so many reviews unanswered, my internet keeps dying on me lol. It's a miracle I've gotten this up. (I'm writing this in the hope that I actually _can_ put it up). Even worse than that, I haven't read any of my fav stories for ages :( I think you should all leave me lots of lovely reviews in sympathy, and also in the hope that I'll be able to read them :)**

**As always, thank you Natalie! **

Chapter Eight

_Bella_

"You mean nothing to me Bella. If you push me hard enough, I'll take what I want from you and hand you off to Lucian like the trash you are." He snarled and slammed the door behind him.

Fear rippled across my skin for a second before rational thought made its way in and reminded me he had just gotten extremely angry that Lucian had been near me. I may have had doubts about his promises not to touch me, but if there was one thing I was sure of it was that he wouldn't be 'handing me off' to Lucian. He'd throw me out before he'd let Lucian have me.

His words about Edward struck more of a chord. They closely resembled what Edward himself had told me that day in the forest. He'd said he was sick of pretending. I had never been good enough for Edward and I would never be good enough to help Jasper.

He hadn't altered my opinions of him at all. He was hiding from who he really was, no one so conflicted could ever be happy. I supposed it was all down to his history. The army had moulded him as a human, then he'd been changed, become someone new, and Maria had shaped him to fit her ideals. Somewhere along the way he'd broken free of her, started thinking for himself again. He'd developed his own sense of right and wrong, and left her but he still hadn't been happy.

Then Alice had found him, showed him how to live differently, and I supposed he must have been happy with her, but still he was _her_ Jasper, rather than his own. Looking back now it seemed like everything I'd ever seen him do had been for her in some way. Every decision had been hers rather than theirs. But he'd lost even that, and even being here now was down to a decision Alice had made.

He told me that she told him to come back here, and so he had. He was living the same life he'd once lived, but it was much harder now. Probably because he knew what it was like to have more. He wasn't the same man anymore; this life wasn't what it once had been. In fact, from everything he'd told me, it seemed like it was worse than when he'd fallen into a depression the first time he'd lived here.

He had given up.

I pitied him for a moment before I remembered that he didn't deserve it. Anger coloured my judgement and I decided it was high time I yelled at him. How dare he speak to me like that? Hurt me like that? And then to just walk away instead of facing me and giving me a chance to defend myself.

I stormed into the bathroom after him and found his naked back. The angry retort died in my throat as my eyes took half a second to take in everything from his wet curling hair to his well muscled calves. I took a moment to appreciate the fact that in another life I might have joined him in the shower by now and shook the traitorous thought away.

Most of the bite marks covered his upper body, with only a few marking his legs. Just as he started to turn around I caught sight of the single, perfect bite mark on his ass. The last traces of anger drained away and I started laughing. Who the hell would bite his ass?

He stepped out of the shower looking almost afraid as the laughter took over me completely. I hadn't laughed like this for years, if I'd have been human I'd have cracked ribs by now, as it was I could barely stand.

Jasper took one hesitant step towards me and I crumpled to the floor, the effort of holding in my giggles too much to cope with alongside trying to remain standing.

It took me two minutes to get myself under control, by which point Jasper had wrapped a towel around his waist. I squashed a twinge of disappointment quickly.

"Any hope of you cluing me in about what's so damned hysterical?"

I shook my head, needing a little more time to be sure that I wouldn't start laughing again. Rapidly cooling water dripped from him landing on my legs, and I focused on that for a few seconds while he waited impatiently for my explanation.

"Bite. Ass." I managed when he started to look like I might have kept him waiting a little too long. If anything he looked more baffled for a moment, before understanding crossed his features and he smiled down at me. I pulled myself up from the floor and went back into the bedroom, deciding it would be best to let him get dressed before I started trying to argue with him.

He joined me a few seconds later, and he hadn't bothered with clothes, still just wearing the towel as he sat next to me on the bed. I opened my mouth to tell him he was an ass when he stopped me in my tracks.

"I'm so sorry Bella." He said quietly, looking over my shoulder and avoiding my eyes. "I shouldn't have said what I did, none of it was true. You upset me and I lashed out. I really didn't mean what I said, and I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you stayed. I want you to know that I would never, ever give you to _him_. What I said about Edward was ridiculous too."

He spoke very quickly, unused to giving apologies it seemed.

I pushed down my anger, knowing it was still there and would need to be dealt with at some point, but also knowing that Jasper needed this one. I had to be the bigger person. "It's ok." I lied. "I know."

"What you said about me... I guess it touched a nerve because some of it was true." He said reluctantly. Hope sparked inside me. "But the thing is Bella, I'm not the only one that needs help. Look at you. Who are you?"

I really didn't like him turning the tables on me. I was fine. "I'm me."

"As a human you lived to please everyone else. When I knew you, you were Edwards, with the pack you were the mother, I don't doubt that you were a different woman with Felix than you were with Garrett, and different again with Peter. Different with me. You change yourself, become what you think people want. And now, here you are, trying to play the hero, not realising you're just a victim."

I wanted to slap him for that. I wasn't a victim, I could take care of myself, and I wasn't trying to be a hero either. I was simply trying to help a friend. Except Jasper wasn't my friend, not really, and he never had been.

I was helping him because I owed him. I was repaying a debt in a way, and that didn't make me a hero or a victim.

I refused to look at him as I replayed his accusations in my mind and tried to deny them. The problem was, he was sort of right. I had changed a lot over the years, but that's what people do, they adapt, but on the inside, they're still the same person.

"We are changed by life and the people we're with all the time Jasper, but deep down I haven't changed all that much, whereas you, you couldn't be more different. I'm living life to the best of my abilities, trying to be a good person, or I was until I came here, and I suppose that one day I'll settle down, but you aren't even trying anymore. You've found something that was easy once and tried to fit yourself to it. Well it isn't working."

"This was never easy." He snapped. "You think it's easy to do this? I'm either fighting or bored witless most of the time."

"So why are you here?"

He opened his mouth then snapped his teeth together and growled. I averted my eyes when he decided that this was the perfect time to get dressed. I waited for an answer while he paced in front of me. "We've talked about this before." He said finally. "And the answer is still the same. This is all there is."

"And I told _you_ before that this is not all there is. There's a whole world out there Jasper. All you have to do is walk out of the door and not come back." I may has well have been talking to a brick wall. He frowned for half a second before dismissing my words entirely and going back to his stupid pacing.

The argument was far from over in my opinion and I had every intention of starting it up again. All I had to do was decide which particular argument to go at this time.

"Ready for your first lesson?" He interrupted my inner war and it took me a moment to make any sense of his words. He was offering to teach me to fight. Anticipation seemed to crackle along my skin as I thought about the possibility of being able to hit him without getting into trouble for it.

Landing a few punches would surely be far more satisfying than talking things out, and while I had never enjoyed violence before, I was certain I'd enjoy smacking Jasper right now. Apart from my more selfish motives, a lesson was probably a good idea anyway. While Jasper said he had dealt with Lucian, he had also added 'for now' which I really didn't like the sound of.

If he tried anything else I wanted to be ready. I had gotten away mostly through luck this time, and I was sure that if there was a next time, he wouldn't leave himself open to attack. I was surprised at the feelings thinking about another meeting with him inspired in me. While I had expected to be at least a little afraid, I found I was only looking forward to doing him harm. A sick thrill of anticipation ran through me at the thought.

I slid off the bed and looked down at my skirt, quickly deciding that I needed something more suitable if I was going to fight with Jasper. The problem was, the corner of the room where I'd left the clothes Jasper had brought was empty.

"Where are the clothes?" I was a little worried he'd changed his mind about letting me have them.

"Dresser." His tone of voice let me know that even if we had decided to let things rest for now, he was still as angry as I was about out little shouting match.

The old dresser, that I knew from my snooping was full of Jasper's clothes stood behind him and I edged my way around carefully, still unwilling to get to close to him. It was only then that I remembered any type of fighting would require contact. Almost instantly, I was ready to back out, but I thought of Jasper calling me a victim and decided that I couldn't.

My clothes mixed with his was a strange sight, it looked wrong. I realised that was probably because I'd never shared space with anyone like this before. At once it gave me a sense of security and made me feel uncomfortable. I grabbed a few things and shoved the drawer closed, flitting into the bathroom to change.

I spared a moment to look at myself in the mirror, something I didn't often do. It still surprised me sometimes to find such a pretty face staring back. I wondered not for the first time how I'd look now if I had lived and tried to create it, twisting my lips and frowning. It irritated me that I still looked just as perfect, only miserable.

Jasper kicked something in the other room and I heard it snap. Maybe I should hurry up, the last thing I wanted was for him to be in an even worse mood before he started fighting with me. Something told me it would make the experience much less enjoyable on my part.

The selection of clothes I'd brought with me was fairly poor as I hadn't been paying enough attention, but sifting through it I did find what could be described as workout clothes. I giggled realising that they were things I'd never owned as a human, and that I had shied away from any type of exercise back then.

I wriggled into the knee length lycra pants and tank top, laughing again as I pulled my hair up into a knot. I really looked like one of those girls you see in gyms. Sporty was something I had never been before.

* * *

_Jasper_

I had half a mind to follow her into the bathroom and strangle her. Not that it would work, but it would be satisfying. Why wouldn't she just give up on me? I didn't want help. I didn't need help. And I was going to stay here. Why wouldn't she just understand that and let go.

She had spent fourteen years looking for the Cullen's before finally giving up, did that mean she was likely to spend the next decade or so nagging me? I'd lose whatever bits of sanity I had left if she did that. A very small, very quiet voice told me that I could just give in and take her away from here, start again one last time. I kicked out at the chair, shattering it and silencing the traitorous voice. No. No more new starts for me.

There was one plus to Bella pissing me off, I wasn't thinking about fucking her, which made a welcome change, especially as we were about to get up close and personal. My mind made a quick detour around the corner of 'up close' before I replayed our previous conversation to get thoroughly angry again.

She stepped out of the bathroom feeling strangely giddy. What did she have to feel so happy about anyway? I looked from her distant eyes and quiet smile to- _oh god does she actually _want_ me to jump on her?_ Why had she chosen clothes that perfectly clung to every curve of her body?

All thoughts of anger rushed away, melted by the swell of her breasts rising and falling rhythmically, needlessly, tauntingly. Slender shoulders bare and palest gold in the candle light. Slim waist and full hips I wanted nothing more than to grab while she wrapped those shapely thighs around me.

My fists clenched painfully hard in an effort to distract myself. "Put more clothes on." I bit out turning away from her before I lost it and really did ruin everything. I heard her go back to the dresser felt her understanding and cursed her for not realising what she was doing to me before now.

"Sorry." She mumbled, not sounding very sorry at all. I turned to face her again and found she had done nothing more than throw on one of my shirts. Watching me warily she rolled up the too-long sleeves to her elbows and fastened a few of the buttons. Seeing a woman dressed in my clothes was an experience I'd had only once before, and it had been Bella dressed this way then too. While it did little to stop me wanting her, it also brought out my long buried protective side. She looked smaller, more delicate and more mine than she did in her own clothes.

I wanted to take her in my arms and promise to keep her safe until she believed me. I certainly didn't want to fight with her, either physically or verbally. How utterly ridiculous I was being. I'd have slapped myself if I wasn't worried about looking stupid in front of her.

"Are you just going to keep looking at me weirdly or are you going to teach me something at some point?" She said walking over and coming to a stop next to me. I noticed how small her bare feet were, they didn't look made for fighting at all. "Jasper? Anybody home?"

"Yes. Right. Come on then." I needed help before I really did lose my mind.

"Where are we going?" Bella was throwing off an equal mixture of fear and curiosity.

"We need more space." I decided it was probably wise to test myself, and her, before we really got close. I rested my hand very lightly on the small of her back. She flinched, almost imperceptibly, but I caught it. I didn't remove my hand and she made no objection, in fact, other than the little twitch she'd had on first contact, she actually seemed soothed by it.

On my side things were going equally well. As long as I didn't start thinking about moving my hand lower, she was in no danger from me at all. Perhaps the addition of the shirt really had helped more than I'd expected, or perhaps it was the calmness she was feeling working its magic on me. Calm wasn't a feeling that went around here very often.

"We're not going to the pit are we?" I knew she was only trying to make conversation. We were heading away from the pit, and as she'd been there twice she knew that. Most vampires would have known not to bother asking a question while it was obvious that they knew the answer, but Bella was different. She still had many human quirks and mannerism. While most of us had to pretend to be human she could probably fit in fairly well with no affectations at all.

The room I took her to was large and entirely empty but for a leather armchair. It also has a working electric light, which was a plus as it meant we wouldn't have the risk of knocking over candles while we were fighting.

Bella looked around, scratched the back of her wrist, sniffed the air and went to sit in the chair. She smiled at me, poked at the arms of the chair, frowned and smiled again. "Is this yours?"

"No."

"Ok then." She mumbled feeling pleased. I wondered why she was interested but decided now was not the time to ask. Unlike her I wasn't going to be distracted from our task by a piece of furniture.

I stood a few feet in front of her pondering how to begin. I wasn't used to teaching anyone that was really interested in learning, or anyone capable of any sort of finesse. I actually had no idea where to start. To mask my sudden performance anxiety I started asking questions.

"What would you usually do if someone attacked you?"

She gave me a long look, feeling mildly annoyed. "I would try to get away." She deadpanned blinking slowly. "You should know."

I rolled my eyes at her. "What would you do in a normal situation, with people you didn't know?"

She shrugged. "I haven't really had the opportunity to find out thankfully. But I doubt my answer would change. I would run away if I could."

"That's good. You should always run. You're fast, possibly the fastest I've met. That should always be your first choice. Run." Now I thought about it, I really didn't like the idea of Bella fighting.

"The whole point of you teaching me is so that I have another option. I might not always be able to run. If you won't teach me how to fight I'll find someone else who will." She snarked.

I was well aware that she had no idea who she would find to teach her if not me. In my mind I saw her taking lessons from Maria and then Lucian, the only people in this place with half a chance doing a decent job. The images were almost painful. "I will teach you." I said quickly, wanting to stop her before she really had a chance to think about asking someone else. "Get up."

She complied quickly and carried the chair out of the way, leaving it in the corner. "Do I have to stand a certain way, or...?" She looked about her, for what I didn't know, as she waited for some sort of instruction.

"I want to see what you're made of first. Get a feel for you." She raised one eyebrow and folded her arms over her chest. "Not like that." I scowled. "Pretend you are stuck in here, if you can get to the door your free, but to do that you need to incapacitate me in some way. Go ahead. Attack me however you think is best until I tell you to stop."

She certainly liked the sound of that. It didn't come as much of a surprise that she was looking forward to hitting me. She stood completely still for seven seconds not even moving her eyes and then she lunged forward. Her hits were fast but sloppy. I got the impression that someone had taught her some basic self-defence at some point but other than that she was fairly wild. I might not have been as fast as her, but I was still a vampire, and therefore fast enough. Her moves were easy to anticipate too. Forty seven attempts later and she finally made contact, a glancing blow to my chin.

She should have taken another swing at me but instead she was too busy revelling in her sense of achievement to stop me. I had her pinned against the wall, arms trapped behind her in half a second.

Her intense panic swamped me as she kicked out in fear. I let her go immediately and the panic ebbed as she stood on the opposite side of the room.

"I wasn't doing anything wrong Bella." I sighed. "Only showing you that you were leaving yourself open."

She chewed her lip and tugged on the rolled sleeves of her shirt. My shirt. "Oh." She said quietly, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions."

"I'm sorry for making you feel like jumping." I tried to laugh it off, but it didn't sound right and I could feel my own guilt now as well as hers. "Let's try again. This time the door is yours to guard, you need to evade me."

"I-I- maybe we should stop for now." She mumbled.

"Bella, nothing is going to happen. I promise you are safe with me in here. I want to know that the next time I go to work you have a better chance at staying safe." I gave her my best innocent face, one that hadn't been put into practise in a very long time. Hopefully it still worked.

She started to feel amused instead of scared. Perhaps my expression had been a little transparent, but at least it had cheered her up if nothing else. "Ok." She took a slightly defensive stance and waited tensely for my first attack.

I reined in my strength knowing I had a good chance of landing most of my hits. I didn't want to hurt her. She dodged my first hit, and the second moving more quickly than I had anticipated. The third ruffled the top of her hair as she ducked. I hadn't expected her to be that good. Kicking out at her legs I expected her to topple, but she saw my foot coming just in time and jumped.

We continued, almost dancing for half an hour only about a fifth of my hits landing on her before she called a time out.

She perched on the edge of her chair smoothing her hair down and refastening a few open buttons. "Why are you holding back?" Oh dear. She sounded angry.

"I'm not." Lying seemed to be the best course of action.

Her glare could have withered stone. "Don't lie to me. You're holding back. I want to see what I'm really up against Jasper. What is the point of you teaching me to fight against someone far weaker than I'm likely to come across? I'm a big girl. I can take it."

I could barely believe that not so long ago all I'd thought about was hurting her. Now the idea of actually hitting her rubbed me up the wrong way. My long neglected gentlemanly side came out in full force, heartily objecting.

"Come on Jasper, I know you want to." She taunted, standing up again and coming towards me. I didn't want to. Not a bit. The problem was she was right. There really was no point in me teaching her to expect something as easy as this.

The dance began again, faster, more challenging than before. This time she only avoided me for a few seconds though before a blow to her shoulder sent her sprawling into the opposite corner. She laid on her side facing me, a look of absolute shock on her face. Her emotions matched the look. It was an almost human reaction to pain.

I knelt down beside her. "Are you ok?" One swift glance at her shoulder assured me that I hadn't hit her hard enough to knock it out of line, so she couldn't really be in very much pain.

She opened her mouth and closed it again before sitting up slowly. "Sorry, I only got hurt once as a vampire before I came here and I'm just not used to it yet." She explained quietly her emotions recovering quickly. Tentatively she prodded her shoulder and sighed. "Better already, see?"

I didn't like the sound of that. She was basically telling me that I was almost the only person that had ever hurt her.

"When were you hurt before?" I asked trying to distract myself from my guilt.

"When I was with Garrett." She sighed.

"He hurt you?" Rage ripped through me for the second time in one day.

The corners of her mouth twitched and she pushed my shoulder almost playfully. "Of course not." She laughed. "I'd hardly have stayed with him for so long if he was hurting me. We were rock climbing and I fell an awfully long way. I landed on my arm and it was all twisted up. He fixed me up in no time, but it still hurt. I wasn't even sure we could feel pain other than the burn until then."

A new picture formed in my head. Bella laughing in the arms of a faceless man. She had had a life with him for a while. She had been somebody before I crushed her. The full weight of my actions began to dawn on me.

"Could we leave the lessons for now and talk for a while instead?"

She sighed irritably pulling her knees up to her chest. "Aren't you sick of my stories yet?"

I shook my head, doubting I'd be sick of her stories until I knew how she's spent every day of the last fifteen years. "How did you meet Garrett?"

Her mood picked up in a way I just didn't like.

"I'd been a vampire about seven years and I was back in Canada heading towards a forest for something to eat when a tall rangy man came loping out of the trees with a huge grin on his face. He's the only vampire I ever met that I wasn't the least bit wary of in the beginning. The only way I can really describe him is natural. He came right up to me, told me there was supposed to be a meteor shower that night and asked me if I wanted to watch it with him."

"And you just said yes?" I asked baffled. Bella seemed so cautious that I couldn't imagine her deciding to stay with a stranger based on the fact that he looked 'natural'. It was stupid.

"No actually. I invited him on a hunt instead." She said stiffly, probably not appreciating my tone of voice. "When he realised what I was eating he asked me if I knew the Carlisle, and told me he was on his way to see him. I told him I was looking for them too and that they weren't at home. He didn't ask me why I was looking for them."

She gave me a look that let me know not to interrupt again if I wanted her to keep talking.

"He watched me hunt like I was an action movie at the cinema, and by the time I was full he had convinced himself to give it a try. He asked me if I'd mind him tagging along with me for a while. Of course, by then I was so starved for company I'd have agreed to travel with pretty much anyone. While we watched the meteor shower later that night we got talking, he told a lot of stories and I was jealous of all the things he'd seen and done. I started thinking that maybe looking for them didn't have to be as boring and lonely as it had been before."

"So you stayed with him because you were bored?" I hadn't really meant to say it out loud, or to sound so condescending, but once it was out I could hardly take it back.

"At first yes, but by the end of the first week we were friends." She turned her gaze on me, something almost triumphant in it. "And by the end of the first month we were lovers."

I struggled with my jealousy and kept a lid on the stupid comments that threatened to spew from my lips.

"He taught me pretty much everything I know about being a vampire, and he showed me that life could still be fun. He taught me to live again." I wondered if she knew she had forgotten how to live again, it was clear to me that she wasn't exactly living it up before she ended up here. "That's what you need."

"What do I need?" I really had to start paying more attention.

"You need your very own Garrett." She said brightly, smiling at me.

"And I suppose you think you're up to the job?" I drawled doubtfully.

"Of course." She laughed. "Who else have you got?"

She had a point there.

**An: Any thoughts? Even if they're not wordy thoughts I'd appreciate a smiley face, or a sad face, just so I have a general idea of what you think. Thanks for reading :)**


	9. Chapter Nine

**An: Finally! I have working internet and a computer that doesn't try to kill itself everytime i start it up. I'm sorry there was no update last week. I haven't even read all of the reviews for the last chapter yet but I will get around to them now. Forgive me? Pretty please?**

**Extra specail thanks to the awsome xteamxjasperx for looking this over for me even though she was on holiday. You just rock ;)  
**

Chapter Nine

_Bella_

I'd been in Texas a little over a month and I was starting to think Jasper was deliberately avoiding me. I knew his shifts in the pit were twenty four hours long, but he always seemed to be gone at least thirty hours, and when he was with me we hardly ever spoke unless I started up a conversation, which was rare. I was beginning to think I had made no progress with him at all, he was even more distant now than when I'd first met him again, but last night he had surprised me. He'd taken me hunting again, and when we found a pair of White-tail Deer he'd taken one of them with no prompting at all from me. And as far as I knew, he hadn't had anything other than animals in the last month.

That was definite progress, but if I was honest, I'd rather he was still drinking normally, but talking instead. The fact that he was still clearly miserable, and still in this horrible place really took the shine off his change in diet.

Right now he was an hour late already, and I was bored. I briefly contemplated dragging Natalie in to talk to me, but decided if Jasper found out we'd sort of made friends he'd stop trusting her to be my guard. The first time Jasper had gone back to work after my little encounter with Lucian, I'd snuck out of the room, intent on heading up to the library, only to find a very small, very bored woman blocking my way. Jasper had failed to mention he was posting security.

I'd decided to try my luck and simply pretend she wasn't there, but she'd stopped me, and being just a tad stronger than I was and much better trained I hadn't had much hope. Then she'd introduced herself and told me that 'the major' had said not to leave me alone, but that didn't mean we couldn't go somewhere else together. It turned out that she was dying to have something to do too, but she was worried about getting into trouble. I assured her that I'd take the blame if we were caught, and she joined me in the library.

We hadn't spoken all that much, mainly because she was a little shy but I had learnt she was only seventeen, and that she was on holiday from Scotland when she was taken. Though she was still wary, I had glimpsed a little sarcasm creeping out occasionally, and it gave me the impression that she wasn't as wholly broken as she seemed.

I was hoping I could convince her to give me a few fighting lessons at some point as Jasper was so reluctant. We'd attempted lessons four times now, but they had all followed the same pattern, Jasper holding back, me asking him not to, and then the second he hurt me he decided it was time to stop. I had made some improvement, but it was slow going this way and it was driving me a little mad.

It seemed like our roles had been reversed, now it was me basically asking him to hurt me, and he didn't want to do that. I supposed I should add that to my scanty list of improvements he had made. That one was good in some ways, but in others it just irritated me.

I wished he wouldn't leave me alone so long, as it was times like these that I gave serious thought to giving up and leaving him. I had been fully resolved on my decision to stay and help him despite my fears, but I had read something in a book a week ago that was making me question the decision.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

Was this something I should let go of? Was I fighting a losing battle? I didn't think so, but maybe I was wrong. Or just deluded. Jasper sure thought my efforts were wasted.

I'd read something else that worried me too, though I'd laughed at first and read it aloud to Natalie. Thinking about it now gave me pause.

"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.

I had kept asking Jasper to be himself, to give up all the outer layers and all the lies he tells himself and to be who he really is. What if who he really is, is someone worse? What if the man he really is wants to hurt me just as much as he did that first day? What if deep down, behind all the bullshit, he's still a heartless bastard that thinks nothing of taking a life. What if I was going to make him worse?

I spent so much of my time alone convincing myself to leave him, and then convincing myself to stay that I was starting to drive myself mad. I had made a choice, and I wasn't going to back out of it unless I had good reason, and that reason would probably have to come from Jasper and so far he had done nothing to warrant me leaving him since we had made our rules, other than a few nasty comments.

I propped myself up on the pillows and sank into my now favourite daydream. A real future for us. Jasper didn't like me talking about the future, it was one of the reasons we rarely spoke. Whenever we did manage to get talking I'd end up saying something along the lines of 'When we leave...' or 'One day...' and he'd shut me down and go for a shower or go and see Maria.

I heard Natalie straightening up about half a second before Jasper's regular footfalls became audible to me. I was so used to him now that I could already tell he was in a bad mood simply by the way he was walking. His mood didn't frighten me anymore though. He wouldn't be taking it out on me. I was almost certain of that.

I heard the slight scuffle from the door and pictured him shoving past Natalie and her efforts to remain upright. It was followed by a slight rustle of fabric and Jasper's voice, too quiet for me to pick up on his words, then her retreating footsteps as he strode into the room.

He looked at me and then around the room, frowning. He never seemed to want to look at me for long. I put it down to him being afraid of breaking the rules if he did.

"Maria has invited us to a gathering of sorts." He began, sounding tired. "She does this occasionally just to remind us all that she's top dog. She's a little unstable sometimes."

"Who's going to be there?" I wondered aloud. If Maria was as intent on killing off or recruiting any other nearby vampires who the hell would she find to come to her little party?

"No outsiders." He told me. "It will just be most of the lackeys, Lucian an us I should think."

So it would basically be everyone who worked here, stuck in a room together for a while. 'Fun' didn't exactly spring to mind. Jasper tossed me a bundle of black satin that unravelled in my hands and revealed a dress.

"I told Maria you wouldn't be attending as you had nothing to wear so she sent you that. She even sent one for Natalie too." It was the first time he'd actually acknowledged Natalie's existence to me and it surprised me a little that he even knew her name. "You'd better dress quickly, she won' be happy if we're late."

I scowled down at the dress and wondered if I could simply refuse to go. I really didn't feel like spending any length of time making small talk with the people who worked for Maria. In the end I decided I was being stupid. I was supposed to be Jasper's plaything, so I really couldn't refuse to go without looking suspicious, especially if Maria had made an effort to get me there.

I slipped into the bathroom and out of my clothes. The dress was dark green with a high, corseted waist. Over the green silk was a sheer black material that graduated into long lacy sleeves. The dress laced up the back and was all around a fairly gothic fairytale creation. It was also impossible to put on without help.

I tried in vain to lace it up myself, but my arms simply didn't bend that way. For ten minutes I struggled, looking over my shoulder into the mirror to help, but nothing seemed to work. After several attempts the pale expanse of my back still peeked out from the dress. I was going to have to call Jasper.

I opened the door hesitantly and saw Jasper sitting on the edge of the bed looking as nervous as I felt. He was wearing and Emerald green shirt over black slacks. We matched. I stifled my laughter and reminded myself that the back of my dress was still gaping open and that I had to hold it on.

"Jasper I could use a hand." I said quietly. This would require contact and bare skin at the same time, it would be a test of how well he was coping with my rules.

He opened his mouth three times without actually saying anything before he crossed the room like lightening and disappeared behind me. I held my breath.

He was careful not to touch me, but it was unavoidable, and from the first moment his skin brushed against mine I could feel his fingers trembling on the laces. I worried he would drop the last month and give in to temptation.

One of his hands, no longer shaking brushed the hair away from my neck and over my shoulder. The backs of his fingers grazed my skin as he ran the hand back down to the laces again. I shivered. I could already see in my head how easy it would be for him to get me out of my clothes right now. He could just rip the dress right off in one go. I began to panic.

"Sorry." He muttered, his fingers suddenly agile as the laced up the rest of the dress in seconds. Then he went all formal. "All done. You look lovely."

I felt like he'd done something special and realised he had sort of. He wouldn't have done that a few weeks ago. Impulsively I turned around and hugged him. He froze and I realised my mistake. Now I was breaking the rules. I was pulling away when his arms wrapped around me and held me tight.

I hadn't been held like this for a very long time and I had a fair idea that it had been even longer for Jasper. It only lasted a few seconds and when we pulled away I realised we were mirroring ach other perfectly. Both of as had awkward smiles. Both of us didn't know what to make of it. It was almost as if we'd become friends.

Jasper cleared his throat and held out his arm. "Shall we?" He smiled, seemingly in a better mood now.

I rested my hand on his forearm and allowed him to lead me away down unfamiliar passages and through darkened rooms.

The room Jasper guided me to was about as large as the pit but all on one level. Dark sultry music was playing quietly from somewhere and two walls of the room were lined with low couches. The air was thick with human blood, calling to me. I didn't want it, but my body did, and it made my throat burn. The delicious scent came from three unconscious humans, slumped against their chains at one side of the room. Jasper's hand tightened around mine as he whispered that they were 'snacks'. I wondered if his tightened grip was down to an effort to comfort me, or if he was simply restraining me.

My first thought was to help them, I knew that they only had one of two fates in store for them now, they would either end up dead in the next few hours, or they would get a worse fate, they would be part of Maria's army.

"Don't even try." Jasper whispered, his breath brushing my ear. "I don't feel much like dying to save you tonight."

"I doubt they feel like dying either." I grumbled, wanting to argue but knowing it was pointless. I had learnt that sometimes there was no way to win.

Lucian was sitting sullenly in a corner, with Michelle held firmly to his side. She looked frighteningly happy to be there. His eyes met mine, full of malice when he caught me looking at them. I smiled and turned my head not wanting to provoke him, and wanting to kick him in the teeth at the same time.

I counted five other familiar vampires in the room before I saw that Natalie had followed us in a few dressed in a slightly less lavish dress than me. The two other women were also wearing almost identical dresses. I knew the names of almost no one, but over the last few weeks I had seen them all at some point.

Finally I rested my eyes on Maria, who was actually perched on a small throne. My only guess was that she was a little insane, and a lot power hungry.

Jasper guided me over to her, made swift introductions and left me wondering if I should curtsey or something. This was the first time I'd seen her since she had brought me here.

She let her eyes rest on me for a moment before turning them on Jasper. I noticed her face soften a little as she looked at him. "Why don't you leave Bella and I to get acquainted. Feel free to get something to eat."

I repressed a shudder.

"Thank you Maria, but we ate yesterday." He told her, surprising me. I thought he'd jump at the chance to drink from a human, especially as he could have come up with some excuse involving hiding his actions from Maria. He wouldn't be able to hide soon though if he intended to stick with his new diet. A few more animals and his eyes would start to give him away.

I watched him walk away from me with a sense of dread. For some reason Maria made me more wary even than Lucian did.

"Lucian tells me you are unmarked? Is that still the case?" She purred straightening her dress, a more elaborate version of mine, though red in place of green.

A dozen lies flitted eagerly through my mind, but none of them would come out. Something about her gaze told me that she would not accept anything less than the truth. I nodded my head slowly, surreptitiously glancing around for Jasper.

Her gaze narrowed and she followed my eyes to Jasper, who was standing on the other side of the room, his back to the wall. For a moment I watched him watching me as he ignored the woman whispering into his ear.

Maria starting speaking again in a voice that could cut through stone while she kept looking at Jasper. "The only reason I can see for him not marking you, is if he wants you as more than just a pet. You may be playing him along nicely, you may have made him think he loves you and vice versa but you won't be able to keep him for long. It is my venom that runs in his veins, he is, and always has been mine. He will tire of you." She spat.

I kept my eyes locked with Jasper's, silently willing him to take me away from this woman's petty jealousy. It wasn't even as if she had anything to be jealous about. We hardly even spoke most days, and there were certainly no romantic feelings between us aside from a little lust on Jasper's part.

"He still comes to me, you know." She added conversationally, just a touch of malice colouring her tone. "Whitlock is my boy. I know what he needs, a child like you could never fulfil him the way I do."

"_Jasper_, is a _man_." I smiled politely. How dare this little girl call _me_ a child? She may have been centuries older than me, but at least I actually looked like a woman. She could pass for fourteen. Besides, if I actually wanted to 'fulfil' Jasper I knew I'd have no problems. If he was really with me he'd have no need to see this little bitch at all.

She looked almost confused by my short statement for a moment before a deadly calm crossed her features. "Of course." She said stiffly, rising from her seat and crossing the room languidly. I watched her order people around merely by looking at them until she reached Jasper. His eyes snapped from my face to hers as she rested a perfect hand on his forearm and whispered words I couldn't hear.

The quiet music grew louder, playing at a level humans would be able to hear. Jasper led Maria out onto the impromptu dance floor and the pair spun gracefully, seemingly unaware of everyone else in the room. I was mildly jealous, though I didn't know why. Did I want to dance? Did I want a partner? Or did I just want him to be with me instead of her? Possibly, the answer was all three, but I dismissed the last as ridiculous and accepted the hand of a man who came to ask me to dance.

I got at least a vague idea that I had seen him in passing at some point while I'd been here, and he seemed harmless enough. The dancing was oddly old-fashioned, and along with the music and the strange clothes everyone was wearing, it made me think that Maria was stuck in the past. I suppressed a smile. The song ended and my partner handed me off Jasper, who had escaped Maria's clutches. I was oddly relieved.

* * *

_Jasper_

I watched Maria talking to Bella from across the room, and while I couldn't hear them, it was blatantly obvious from their expressions that they were at odds over something. Bella looked annoyed and Maria looked like she wanted to kill her. I would have to keep them apart if at all possible in future.

Bella's eyes found mine and she looked very much like she wanted to get out of the conversation but I did nothing but look back at her. I couldn't make Maria worry about how much I might care about Bella. Anyway, from what I could see, Maria seemed to be losing whatever argument they were having. I watched her talk for a few minutes, probably trying to put Bella in her place, before Bella spoke four words that seemed to knock Maria off kilter. I wished I was close enough to hear what she'd said.

As always when she felt threatened in some way, Maria retreated, and she retreated right to me making me lose eye contact with Bella.

"Dance with me Whitlock." She purred at me. I really couldn't be bothered with her, she'd already nagged me once today and I wasn't in the mood for more of her whinging, especially if it was about Bella. Nevertheless, I knew my place, and I led her out onto the dance floor, giving her my complete attention. Well, sort of, I kept an eye on Bella too.

"You have not marked her yet." She started. I could tell that it was something she'd been thinking about for a while. Weeks probably. And she didn't like it. That must have been what she was arguing with Bella about.

"No." I said. I didn't want to say anything else until I knew where she was going with this. If worst came to worst and she made me mark her I'd just have to hold her down and do it. She'd live. And she'd hate me.

"Why is that?" Maria was using her most innocent, curious expression. It didn't work. Not anymore. Right now I had no desire to bend to her whims, I didn't even really want to pretend to, but I knew I had to make Bella's lack of mark my decision. If Maria thought I was letting Bella have any say she would think I'd gone soft. Maybe I had.

"She's beautiful. Perfect." I said truthfully. I'd found that was the very best way to lie, stick as close to the truth as possible. "I don't want to spoil the perfection of her skin." Was it just me or did that sound stupid?

Maria flinched. Well, not really, but her eyes twitched in a way that I'd come to recognise as a flinch from her. Then she got very, very jealous.

"What's so special about that?" She snarled.

"It makes a change." I shrugged, knowing I was only pissing her off more.

Strangely, what I'd said seemed to placate her. At least a little. "Just a change." She mumbled, and I knew why my words had relaxed her. She was hoping Bella was only a phase. I had my doubts. She did after all just hug me, like we were really friends.

I took a closer look at the object of our conversation and saw she didn't look happy. Ben was alright though, he wouldn't be bothering her, so what was wrong?

Maria's voice brought me back. "I don't like you spending so much time with that girl." She pouted. "She's not good for you."

She was right to be worried. Bella was trying to take me away from her, just not in the way she suspected. "Jealous?" I taunted.

She only scowled as the song ended and stalked away from me. A quick glance (or glare) at Ben let him know that I wanted Bella, and within a second he had passed her gracefully over. Now she was close to me I could pick out her emotions from the buzz of all of those in the room. She was actually quite relaxed, which was odd considering she'd looked so miserable.

She relaxed further as we danced. It was strange to remember how Edward had had to practically carry her around a dance floor once upon a time. I half expected her to trip or step on my feet. Not that it would bother me.

The tide of emotions in the room changed gradually from a mixture of boredom and amusement, to scepticism and curiosity. I glanced around to see what was happening, and noticed that at least half the people in the room were looking directly at us. I pictured what we looked like to them. We certainly didn't look like lovers, there was too much space between us. I pulled her closer quickly and held tight worried that she would give the game away and try to run.

She didn't try to run exactly, but she did struggle a little. I could feel it, but no one else would notice. Maria was paying more attention now, as was Lucian.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Bella hissed.

"Acting."

"You don't have to squash me." She groaned. "What is that showing them? That you think I'm a great big teddy bear or something."

She actually had a point, even if she was irritating me to make it. Bella was supposed to be my live in sex slave, the latest in a long line. And while that thought made me want to smack myself, it didn't change the fact that we were doing a piss poor job of putting on a show. We probably should have discussed this while we were away from prying eyes.

I loosened my hold very slightly and dropped my hands to her ass. Maria turned away. Lucian looked jealous. Natalie looked disappointed for some reason, and the scepticism lessoned. It worked perfectly.

"I'm going to seriously hurt you very soon."

Shit. I'd sort of forgotten about how she'd feel about this. "All part of the act." I mumbled not moving my hands. While it was all part of the act, I was still a man, and therefore still pretty happy with what I was holding.

"Well you can just un-act and remove your hands." She hadn't been properly mad at me for ages. I'd forgotten it was fun. I squeezed her ass and took great pleasure in the anger that rolled off her. Riling her up was a new favourite activity.

"I don't think so." I smirked.

She tilted her head back to look up at me, smiling with such a loving expression I almost believed it. She was good.

"If you don't stop grabbing me I will blow our cover." She said sweetly.

"If I wanted to, I could have you on your knees right now. As far as everyone else is concerned you belong to me and should do whatever I say. I tell you to do something, you do it, if not, you won't only have me to deal with, you'll have every other man and woman in this room too."

She looked for a moment like she might be sick. Which was highly unlikely.

"You don't get any say in this room Bella. You're just my puppet."

"You want me on my knees?" She snapped. "You want me to _service_ you? Go right ahead, give me the order. I'll bite your fucking cock off."

She probably would too. I bit my tongue to avoid laughing. It was comical seeing her so angry, and though she was trying to hide it, worried too, over something I was only joking about.

The second the song ended she tried to escape me, but I was having fun and made her stay with me through three more songs. Our 'argument' eventually became senseless name calling and finally frosty silence on her part and goading on mine. I did feel a little bad about the fact that I was still groping her, but I figured she'd either get over it or get me back later. Either way, I wasn't stopping while I had an excuse. I thanked Maria for giving me that at least.

After the fourth song I realised she was really starting to hate me, she was angrier than I'd ever seen her and she was getting uncomfortable. I had to stop. Reluctantly I released her and found Michelle. I didn't fancy another chat with Maria, and I knew the only way to avoid one was to appear busy.

Michelle was as close to brain dead as I'd ever seen a vampire. Her intelligence level was almost... human. We used her for little jobs that she would find it difficult to fuck up, but nothing more. The only reason she'd been kept was because she had been marked as Lucians at the end of her first year and he'd wanted to keep her so that he had something to play with in between torturing new arrivals.

I scanned the room for him. He hadn't spoken to me at all since I'd berated him for touching Bella, and I knew he was just simmering with rage even now. I half expected him to stop me dancing with Michelle as she belonged to him.

When I found him, I also found the reason he wasn't bothering me. He was busy. With Bella.

In two and a half seconds my partner and I had crossed the room without appearing at all suspicious, and I was close enough to check up on them. The lust rolling off him almost blotted out anything coming from Bella, but I could tell she was more bored than anything. Then I caught a hint of anger.

He'd put his hand on her leg. I could rip it off. In fact, I was going to. The bastard obviously needed a reminder not to touch what didn't belong to him. I let go of Michelle and took the first step towards him, just in time to see Bella grab one of his fingers and bend it back until it touched his wrist. He winced and pulled his hand out of her grasp. I stepped back.

I heard him spit out a quick "Bitch!" and raise his hand like he was going to hit her.

"I wouldn't if I were you." Bella said calmly nodding her head in my direction.

Lucians eyes followed hers and met my steely glare. If he had any idea of how to read people he'd know he was in deep shit. He growled something at Bella that I couldn't hear and stalked off. I watched him find Natalie and ask her to dance. She was frightened of him, that much was obvious. I prepared myself to extricate her from his grip when she did exactly what I'd told her to do last week. She pulled up the sleeve of her dress and showed him my bite mark on her wrist.

He looked at it for much longer than he needed to and I could feel his fury from where I was standing. I knew he'd find Maria to complain about the fact that I had two women. If only knew I wasn't actually _having_ either of them. The song ended and Michelle left me, heading straight for Lucian. As soon as he had hold of her arm he left the room with her. If she were anyone else I'd pity her, especially while he was in this mood, but Michelle happened to like Lucian's dark side. He'd made her that way.

I had marked Natalie simply to give her some protection as payment for protecting Bella. I knew she was doing a good job, just like I knew she went to the library with Bella every day and didn't leave her side. After work I went to see Maria, then I followed Natalie and Bella's scents to see what they'd been doing before I let Natalie go. Bella thought her little jaunts were secret, and I hadn't told her I knew. Hell, I'd taken everything else from her, the least I could do was give her the illusion of privacy.

Natalie gave me a small thankful smile and joined Ben at the 'refreshments'. The men were already changing now, and as long as no one lost control and drained them completely I knew I'd have three new recruits in a few days. New recruits usually cheered me up a little, but now the thought of them made me almost tired. I'd had enough and I needed to either apologise to Bella or start another argument. I hadn't decided which option to take yet but I need to get out of this room.

I took Bella's hand and led her out into the corridor. The moment the door was closed she yanked herself out of my grip and ran back to the room. By the time I got in there her dress was a shredded mess on the floor and she was in the bathroom. She came out a few seconds later in shorts and a tank top. I waited for the inevitable tirade.

She walked up very close to me her eyes blazing. "Jasper?" She purred.

I'd been feeling her ass half the night, now she was standing toe to toe with me, wearing next to nothing and she fucking purrs? I opened my mouth but couldn't seem to organise a response.

Bella licked her lips and smiled. Out of nowhere her fist crashed into my jaw and I landed on the bed a second later, dazed.

"Don't ever treat me like that again." She spat. I rubbed my aching jaw and stared at her as she lay down on the floor and closed her eyes. "And don't disturb me either. I'm busy."

Her breathing slowed down as if she was a sleeping human and she smiled very slightly.

"Busy doing what?" I asked.

"Dismantling you." She said around a grin. "Creatively."

I waited for her to attack for almost five minutes before I realised she only wanted to pull me apart in her head.

* * *

**An: Guess what? I'll tell ya... Learning to Breath has been nominated to best Darksper (Dark Jasper) at the **

**"Everything's Bigger in Texas Jasper/Bella fanfiction Contest" **

**http://jaspers-darlins(dot)livejournal(dot)com/ I would really love it if you could hope over there and take a look. (Don't forget to change the (dot)s for .s)**

**Thank you for reading, please review and let me know**


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